Sep 28, 2016

Duct Tape...Does it Really Fix Everything?

Nope. Not everything. Everybody knows what Duct Tape is and how it works. The options are really endless; you can fix cars, appliances, walls, and I’ve even seen people create artwork with it. While it may be great for many day-to-day household fixes, one thing it can’t do is holster enormous, lactating, new mom boobs. Yes, you just read that right. Let me explain. Normally, I am a fairly thin person with a smaller build. When I was pregnant with my first child, however, “the girls” were unfathomably huge. It looked unnatural until my stomach grew into them. I had terrible back pain and struggled to find bras to fit. Between my gargantuan cantaloupes and my steadily growing stomach, it was a real sight. My friends would joke with me and say I was so “front heavy” that I was going to tip over. And it definitely felt that way at times.

Eventually, I had my son, and they got even bigger. Don’t ask me how that was possible, but it happened. I was genuinely afraid they might burst. I was beyond frustrated, hormonal, overwhelmed, and exhausted trying to figure this whole baby thing out. I was a complete mess. Thinking back, this probably seemed like a much bigger issue that it actually was at the time.  

Here is where the duct tape comes in. I had finally had enough…and I snapped. I just wanted something to cover and support my massive boobs. In my not-so-clear sleep deprived mind, I decided to take two nursing pads and placed them…well, where they belong. Then, I took a dishtowel and wrapped it around my chest covering the nursing pads. The final step…duct tape around and around the dish towel to hold it all into place. Then on my red shirt went. I can only imagine what it looked like. I really can’t explain why this seemed the best option at the time, but I thought I was on to something. This was going to work.

Shortly after the completion of my makeshift MacGyver bra, one of my good friends came over to see the new baby. I told her the story of how frustrated I was, how tired I was, and so on…normal new mom chit chat.  We visited for a while and she left. As walked back to the couch after letting her out, I passed by a mirror, and to my horror…I saw it.  Two giant wet marks on each boob. Well shit.  My milk had arrived. Clearly my duct tape bra was a massive failure. All I could do was cry.

Many months later I asked my friend why she didn’t tell me that my boobs were leaking as we were visiting. She said, Ummmm…you had just duct taped a towel to your boobs. I didn’t think it was a good time to mention they were leaking. Ha! I guess she was right. Now we laugh.


Moral of the story: Thank goodness for good, non-judgmental friends…AND Duct Tape absolutely doesn’t fix everything. 


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Sep 26, 2016

Say What?

Before I had kids, I always pictured my life to be perfect with perfectly dressed and perfectly behaved beautiful children. Reality check. Although I do think my children are beautiful…Nothing is perfect. Shit hit the fan as soon as our first child was born and things got even more ridiculous when we added more children to the mix. Farewell planning. Three children later, I find myself often saying pretty funny things to my children. Out loud. In public…sometimes in front of strangers. You would be amazed at some of the things you find yourself saying as a parent.




Here are just a few things that I have actually said out loud to one of my children.
  • Don’t lick the baby.
  • Stop putting sand in your butt…wait, where are your pants?
  • We don’t eat the things we find in the couch cushions.
  • Don’t touch that bloody Band-Aid you found on the ground.
  • We don’t bite our friends.
  • Please don’t wipe your butt on the carpet.
  • Stop eating your toenails.
  • Cat food is not for people.
  • No, you can’t pee in the front yard, you will use the bathroom.
  • Boogers are not something we eat or collect. Use a Kleenex!
  • Your butt itches? Let me see.
  • No honey, only boys have a penis. You won’t grow one when you are bigger.
  • Leave your snack on the counter while you poop. We don’t eat on the toilet.
  • Why are their beads in your diaper?
  • Please don’t touch the dogs butt.
  • We don’t ride our cousins.
  • No, you can’t clean the car with sandpaper.
  • Stop growling at your teacher.
  • Please don’t lick the elevator buttons.
  • What color was your poop?
I am sure there are hundreds more. I find myself saying something more ridiculous each day! What crazy things have you said out loud that you never thought you would have to?

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Sep 22, 2016

20 MORE Lies I Tell My Kids...

After writing my first post, 20 Lies I Tell My Kids, I have discovered that I may tell a few more than 20 lies. Oops! So, here are 20 more lies I tell my kids.

1.   I’m not going to tell you again. Yes, yes I will…probably at least 40 more times.

2. Kids, it’s a deer road! Look out the window and watch for deer. Keeps them quiet for at least 5 whole minutes.

3. I’m going to count to three…What happens when I get there? I really have no idea..

4. Mom, when are you getting up? Five minutes…I’m lying it will be WAY more than 5 minutes.

5. You think you have the worst family ever? Well, let’s go check on Craig’s List for a better one for you (Me to my son).

6. Only grown-ups can drink pop. You would hate it.

7. I have no idea how to fix your iPad. Just find something else to do (P.S...I know how to fix it)

8. If you don’t brush your teeth, the Dentist will yell at you and have to pull your teeth out.

9. Yes…I love hearing about all the random Pok√©mon jargon you constantly talk about AND I totally care that Wigglytuff evolves into Jigglypuff and can destroy Regirock...WTF does that even mean?

10. No, Daddy and I were NOT talking about you. We were talking about grocery shopping.

11. I love your school pictures. (No...I HATE them. Why do you make that weird, fake smile?)

12. No, I don’t think you are getting any shots at your doctor appointment today. (Actually, probably 6)

13. I have no idea where your glitter and sequined art project went. (Yes I do…I threw it away).

14. It’s a tie…That’s bullshit! I totally kicked your ass.

15. You did a great job at baseball tonight…no one cared that you cried for half the game because you got out.

16. Yes, yes I totally remember that (except I have absolutely no idea what you talking about).

17. Stupid is a swear word. Really, really bad word.

18. Your outfit totally matches and looks amazing. Super job. I love how stripes, polka dots, and a swimshirt look.

19. See that guy with the white beard? That’s Santa. He is always watching. (Amazing how many white-bearded guys there are around).

20. They must be completely sold out of those Ninja Turtle shoes (Most hideous shoes I have ever seen).

Anyone else have some funny fibs they tell their kids?


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Sep 19, 2016

20 Lies I tell My Kids

The saying goes “honesty is the best policy”. That is what my parents taught me and that’s what I teach my children. Throughout their lives, I have encouraged them to always tell the truth. I really do believe that honesty is the best policy, but here’s the thing…Moms and Dads lie sometimes. I know it is hypocritical. If I’m being honest, I’m not above throwing out a quick, creative white lie (or a whopper, if necessary) for their own protection, to avoid a meltdown or just simply to have a second of peace and quiet. I have discovered that with kids, sometimes this is necessary for survival. One day they will grow up and realize all the lies they’ve been told all these years. Hopefully they laugh. Once they have kids of their own, they will understand the desperation and why we did what we did.

A few tall tales that I have told my own children:

1. No, I’m not leaving.

2. Yes, you are coming with me.

3. I’ll be back in 10 minutes.

4. No, I’m not eating candy (as my mouth is packed full of chocolate).

5. Your artwork is beautiful and amazing (Me thinking: What the hell is that hideous thing even supposed to be?)

6. No, we don’t have any more batteries for that obnoxious musical toy.

7. If you don’t wear your seatbelt in the car, the police will know and arrest you immediately. (My middle – the one not so good under pressure- flips out and does the banshee scream if the car even moves an inch and she is not bucked yet. Success!)

8. It’s past your bedtime (30 minutes before actual bedtime).

9. Say “we’ll see” when I know damn well that the answer is “no”.

10. Mommy is going to get fired for being so late and you will have no more toys or food or our house because I won’t have a job! NOW GET IN THE CAR! (Not my proudest mommy moment, but the got in the car!)

11. Tell them I’m going to call their teacher to get the facts unless they tell me what happened at school (works every time).

12. My food is super spicy; you won’t like it.

13. You can NEVER go to Chuck E Cheese. You get the stomach flu there. (Maybe that one is not so farfetched)!

14. The tooth fairy was running really late and didn’t make it before the sun came up…she’ll try again tomorrow.

15. That sign right there says BE QUIET and NO RUNNING. Now we are going to get kicked out of the restaurant.

16. Yes, that is “White” ham. (it is actually chicken or turkey).

17. I don’t have any games or movies on my phone.

18. The park is closed right now, sorry, we can’t go.

19. That really loud, annoying, stupid toy must be lost (I hid it).

20. I’ll be there in a minute. (when actually I have no intention of “Being there” in a minute).

There you have it. Don’t beat yourself up if some of these sound familiar. We all do it. If you say you don’t, you’re a big fat liar.

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Sep 15, 2016

A Letter to Mom: How to put me to bed in less than 3 hours... 70 Simple Steps

 Dear Mom,

I can see that like dinner, bed time is another very frustrating time for you. I thought since I gave you such great tips on how to get me to eat my dinner, I would do the same for getting me to go to bed. After all, you are my mommy and you take care of me. It’s the least I can do.

You’re welcome.




Steps:

1. Inform me that it is time to go to bed.

2. Console me as I scream, cry, and convulse because you said it was bed time.

3. Tell me it is bed time again.

4. Chase me around the house and physically pick me up and carry me up the stairs (I’ll probably bite you…hard).

5. Now, chase me around upstairs and try to corral me into my room while I kick, hit, and pinch you.

6. Pick out the wrong pajamas for me to wear (you never get the right ones).

7. Wait 15 minutes while I pick out just the right pajamas…which will actually just be regular pants and a shirt (maybe even a skirt if I’m feeling wild).

8. Then wait another 10 minutes for me to pick out my pull-up (I know, I know…they are all the same. I just want to be sure I get the very best one.

9. Don’t even think about helping me put on my pull-up or pajamas.

10. In fact, don’t even look at me. I will do it MYSELF.

11. If you look at me, I will lose my shit.

12. When I start to cry out of frustration because the “pants don’t work” just console me. But DON’T help me….or look at me.

13. Now that my PJs are on backwards and inside out, it’s time to chase me again.

14. I’ll probably slide down the stairs on my tummy and hide.

15. Try to find me (I’ll probably be in the pantry).

16. Now I’m hungry.

17. Help me to get a snack.

18. I get to pick.

19. I want candy.

20. Listen to me cry and console me when you say no candy (one of these days you’ll say yes out of pure frustration…I just know it).

21. Wait 10 more minutes while I point to every snack in the pantry and say “I want ___”. Please note that when you give it to me, I will say “no”.

22. Settle with me on a few goldfish.

23. Pick the wrong bowl for the Goldfish.

24. Watch me scream and flop around on the floor because it was not the perfect bowl.

25. Let me pick to ensure that we have found the most perfect bowl in the whole house.

26. Make sure I have my favorite water cup (the pink one with the green cover).

27. Ensure that no water drips are on the outside of the cup. I will lose my shit if it is wet.

28. Carry me, my snack, and my water cup back upstairs yet again.

29. Tuck me into bed.

30. Hold me while I cry because drips of water from my special cup got on my sheets (I warned you not to let the cup get wet).

31. Wipe the water drips up and console me when I lose my shit because a gold fish fell out of the world’s most perfect bowl.

32. Brush the crumbs from my bed.

33. Give me the wrong binky.

34. Not the spicy one, asshole.

35. No, not that one either. The other one…I want the one under my mattress that you have to move my whole bed to find. Yes, that is the special one.

36. Now tuck me in again.

37. Make sure my blanket is in the proper position.

38. Ensure I have all the right animals on my bed in the right order.

39. Ensure that I have the proper books to read.

40. No, not those. Let me pick.

41. Wait 10 minutes while I pick out the best books.

42. Reposition me and my blanket.

43. I want two blankets, not one. Duh.

44. Find the other blanket and make sure it is “just so”.

45. Give me a hug and say goodnight.

46. Start to walk away and then come back quick because a book fell on the floor.

47. Grab the book and locate the proper place for it on my bed.

48. Leave and shut the door.

49. Come back immediately because I am scared of the dark.

50. Console me.

51. Say goodnight again and give me another hug.

52. Leave and shut the door.

53. Come back immediately and make sure the cat isn’t under the bed. I don’t like when she is in my room.

54. Tuck me in again…please use the utmost care and don’t mess it up.

55. Say goodnight again.

56. Come back in when I cry because I want socks.

57. Pick out the wrong socks.

58. Wait 10 minutes while I pick out the right ones.

59. Let me put them on myself.

60. Console me when I cry because the socks “don’t work” (aka I can’t get them on straight).

61. Tuck me in again using care and in the correct position.

62. Tickle my back for a minute.

63. A minute wasn’t long enough – do it longer.

64. Now tickle my tummy.

65. Say goodnight again.

66. Shut the door and come back when I cry and say my tummy hurts.

67. Convince me that you lay down when your tummy hurts.

68. Tuck me in again.

69. Leave and attempt to go downstairs.

70. Congratulations. I will now stay in bed for five minutes until I call you back in for some questions or a Band-Aid emergency.

See? Easy. Relax. It’s not that hard. Now just love me. I’m your lovable baby girl.

Love,

Your dearest toddler
xoxo

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Sep 12, 2016

Is it Poop?

I’m sure you have heard…being a mom has some disgusting responsibilities. You do thousands of putrid things you never imagined that you would actually do. Before you have kids, people don’t explain to you the extent of the nasty things that you will touch with your bare hands…or if they do, you don’t actually believe them until you are a parent yourself. Once you have that first child, it’s like a switch is flipped and poop, boogers, spit…they just don’t seem that gross anymore. You just have to handle it, literally, with your bare hands sometimes. Every single parent will have some kind of ick on them at some point. I guarantee it. Put those gag reflexes away. There is no time for that.

Here are some disgusting things I have touched and/or encountered on my parenting journey thus far…I’m sure there will be more to come.

Poop: This is the most obvious, and probably the one you will hear the most about. Everyone knows that babies poop in diapers and you will have to change them. But it is so much more than that. You will touch poop, you will smell poop, and you will find it smeared on something other than your child’s butt (including yourself). I have even had to use my bare hands to help my kids get their stuck poop out of their butt when they were constipated. Didn’t see that one coming.

Poop will suddenly become very important. You will investigate the color, amount, and texture on a regular basis because it can tell you a lot about your child. You will become a poop expert…and the funny part, you will genuinely care about it.

It is inevitable that one of your children will poop in the bathtub more than once. It will be your job to fish that wet, slimy turd out of the water with your bare hands. Your child’s ass will explode at the most inopportune time. There may be times you don’t have a diaper, or forget wipes….No problem. you will be an expert at using random objects and articles of clothing to clean up these poop explosions. http://dailydumpshitshow.blogspot.com/2016/06/live-laugh-poop.html

Smells:  You will smell things that you can never un-smell. Not only will you openly smell your child’s butt to check for poop, you will have other moments where the stenches that you come across will burn your nose and bring tears to your eyes. Rotting chicken nuggets emanating from under the seat of your car, rotten milk in a sippy cup hidden in a toy box for weeks, a balled up moldy, festering piece of string cheese in plastic bag in a desk drawer, vomit, farts (so many farts), diarrhea… Your nose will also be a great help when trying to determine what sticky substance is on the furniture. Puke? Boogers? Poop?

Regurgitated Food: Spitting out food is something kids just do. When they don’t like something, they will lean over and before you get a napkin, the chewed up, slimy food ball is in your hand. Why use a napkin or the garbage when mom’s hand is always available? You will find regurgitated food on the floor, on the couch, in the corner of the bathroom…wherever. What do you do? Pick it up with your bare hands and get rid of it. The best thing is when you don’t have anywhere to put the chewed up spit food and you have to throw it in your purse as a last resort. Yes, this happens. You will have chewed food in your Coach purse.

Barf: You will be puked on. Probably more than once. Kids puke…a lot. I have let my kids puke on me in order to save my furniture or carpet. You will just take one for the team and keep on truckin’. Good luck getting the vomit smell out of your cloth car seats. Leather will become your friend.

Boogers: Kids are full of boogers and snot. Their noses have a perpetual stream of green snot dripping down into their mouths.  If you don’t have a Kleenex, sometimes the only option is to wipe their snot on your bare hand Then what? You wipe it on your pants, sleeve, or the floor of course. What else are you supposed to do?

It will also become the norm to pick someone else’s nose….with your finger. Those dry, crusty boogers peeking out…they need to come off.  Oddly, I get a sense of disgusting pleasure at removing those crunchy nuggets… Pick and flick.

Urine: You will touch and smell more pee than you ever imagined possible. You will even be peed on at times. Seems like you are cleaning pee off of everything. Floors, toilets, sheets, clothes, and even your own hands. How hard is it to get your pee in the toilet? Apparently very, very hard. You may even have to stick your hand into an unflushed toilet to retrieve something that was dropped. You do what you have to do.

Lice: The dreaded note in your child’s backpack.  Another kid in your child’s class has lice. There is nothing more terrifying than the idea of tiny bugs living on your kid’s hair and infesting the rest of your family. Although completely disgusting, it’s just one more thing to deal with. What choice do you have?

Teeth:  There will be a time that you will have to help you kids pull their wiggly teeth out. To me, there is just something unnatural about removing teeth out of someone’s mouth...even if they are baby teeth. You will then proceed to keep all these little teeth in some sort of container hidden in your room because you don’t know what else to do with them after the tooth fairy comes. Yes, you will one day have a creepy tooth collection. Sounds like something out of a horror movie to me, but it’s just part of being a mom.


No one said motherhood would be glamorous. They got that right. What disgusting things have you done as a parent?

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Sep 9, 2016

Dirty Diapers - The Workplace Shit Show

I am going to take a bit of a different direction than my usual posts. I’m going to touch on the “working” part of my life, because that is a shit show too. Yes, we all know that I am an overwhelmed, sarcastic mom. But I’m also an overwhelmed, sarcastic “working” mom. I have worked full time, in an office setting, since I graduated college way back with the dinosaurs in the year 2003. I have spent countless hours of my life working with or for people that are complete dill weeds.

As a working mom, I deal with ass hats all day long. The office drama, stress, and pure insanity is unbearable at times. I’ve been in far too many situations where I have seen grown adults acting in ways far worse than my two-year-old. When I entered the workforce all those years ago, I had no idea that working in an office was just an “old person” preschool. You deal with tantrums, crying, screaming, drama, gossip, anger, and lots of ass wiping (more than you can ever imagine). What I have discovered over the years of working and being a mom? I need to drink more. That’s what. There is just no escaping it. Whether you are a stay at home mom, or a working mom life is the same. Just different types of crazy and different types of ass wiping.

Working in an office for most of my life, I’ve discovered that the cast of actual characters may change, but there are a few certain individuals that you seem to find everywhere you go. These folks make the work day feel just a little bit too long. In an office of about 100 people, I would say there are probably about 10 people you can actually stand being around and maybe 3 in which you would say you actually like and can tolerate having a conversation with. So, to help all you youngsters who haven’t yet entered the workforce or haven’t been around long enough to experience all these lovely traits, this is my gift to you.

You’re welcome.

All of the below folks are real people I have met during my years working in an office.

Kiss Ass/Name Vomiter: Get your barf bag, here comes the kiss ass. Every office has the person that feels the need to vomit bigshot, important names any chance they can. “The owners want it like this” or “The president said I have to do this”. The ass kissing…it is truly amazing. They will do anything they can to make themselves look good to their superiors. Doesn’t matter who they have to stab in the back to do it. Is it to make themselves feel more important? Is it to get their way? Do they have no soul? Who knows. Narcissistic management sure eats it up. Perhaps they are on to something.

Bitter IT Guy: Why is it that all IT guys seem to be unhelpful and bitter? They pretty much never actually fix the problem (or at least the IT guys that I have encountered thus far). I don’t even think they know what the problem is. Common solutions are “restart your computer” or “change your colors and tool bars in your settings” or “you sit too far away from the server closet; it just doesn’t work.” Hmmmmm….It’s no wonder I have not had a working computer since 2005. Thank you.

The Know-It-All: Not only do they know how to flawlessly do their own job, but they are experts at your job and everyone else’s job as well. They comment on everything because there is nothing they can’t do or haven’t done before. They love to be involved in all conversations no matter what the topic. Yep, you know more and do better than me, blah, blah, blah…

The Dinosaur: They have been working for this company since before most of us were born. They come from a much simpler time where people knew their place. Respect of elders and management was mandatory and damn it, you will respect them. They will make sure of that (they can be quite scary). Dinosaurs have trouble with any sort of technology and claim to miss the “face-to-face” interaction of the old days. The only thing keeping these old, crab asses alive is their resentment, bitterness, and need for control. Might be time for the memory care home, in my opinion.

Delusionary: They are usually the CEO’s or the owners of a company. They are typically the pretentious, entitled people that have their heads so far up their asses, they actually have no idea what is really going on in their own company. They come up with what they think is a fabulous, genius idea (which is actually DUMB and/or has been thought of before) and then make their minions do it 100 times because they don’t have a clue as to what they actually want. These warts usually have no concept of the amount time it takes to create something and say “just get it done”. Don’t you know they are untouchable? Don’t even think about saying no.

Mooch Monster: Attends meetings just for the free lunches. Sometimes these monsters will lurk around the meeting room door hoping it will end early and they have a chance to grab some leftover food off the table. They never pull their fair share of the workload and rules don’t apply to them. Moochers show up to meetings unprepared and are always in need of something but never really do anything. Hey, I know you have a job, because I work with you. Get your own shit and go do it.

The Nazi: This person has been preparing for this role since elementary school. They watch, record, and diligently report anything they feel you should not be doing, whether it affects them or not. These activities are not actually part of their job, but because of their misguided sense of loyalty and lack of control in their personal life, they take it upon themselves to “solve” all the workplace problems (real, or made up). Don’t make your salad for too long in the lunch room or don’t take that extra lap around the building on your lunch walk. The Nazi is always watching and running to your boss with every detail.

Kitchen Guy: He's there again. Just lurking in the kitchen. I just want to re-fill my water bottle once without having to get the play-by-play of your strange life or the secret ingredients of the chicken breast you are cooking on the George Forman grill. Don’t you ever have any work to do? Why do you spend so much time in the kitchen? It raises the questions, does this freak really work here? Does he work remotely from the kitchen? I’m confused.

The Wonderer: This is your co-worker that is constantly wandering the halls aimlessly as if they are looking for something. What? Who knows. I doubt they even know. Maybe they are lost and can’t find their way back to their desk. Maybe they are searching for guidance. Just smile and keep walking. That’s all you can do.

The office gossip: No one and no topic is off limits to these big mouths. They live for the next office scandal. Make sure you don’t make eye contact with anyone at work for too long or wear dangly earrings or these people will be telling everyone about your new boyfriend. As gossipy as they are, if you ever need to know anything, they are the one to go to.

Idea Killer: This is the rube that feels the need to shit on everyone's parade. No matter how good the idea is, they will find fault with it somehow. They will make sure to squash your career and ensure you have no opportunity for advancement. Thanks for making me feel like a piece of crap, idea killer.

The Busy Bee: Busy Bees love to talk about how busy they are, which usually means they have nothing to do. They constantly flap their yaps and use words like crazy busy, or overwhelmed to try to convince others (and themselves) that they are important and busy. These folks are rarely seen doing any actual work. If you do see them working, take a picture. It is a rare find.

The Toddler: This is the person with the “passion” (aka tantrum thrower). They are reactive to a fault and jump to conclusions based on their mood at the moment (which is almost always bad). They are the first point fingers at anyone other than themselves no matter what the situation. This is the crier, the door slammer, and the drama queen. They also tend to re-tell the same story over and over again for weeks like you haven’t just heard it…to every one they encounter at the office. Clearly attention seekers.

Token Idiot: There is always the one person (or 10) that are just plain stupid. Complete and utter ineptitude. These people are reminders to everyone working hard that success can’t possibly come from being competent or qualified. No one knows how they got their jobs and sure as hell have no idea how they keep their jobs. In fact, most people don’t even really know what their job is supposed to be. Most likely they will be promoted and praised throughout their professional life and will probably sign your paychecks someday. Great.

Miss Microphone: Evidently, these fools don’t know how to shut their doors. They do 2-hour-long conference calls (on speaker phone), blast their music, hum, crack their knuckles, or even nervously throw balls against the walls while they are “thinking”. Did you know that you don’t have to shout on the phone? No matter how far away you are calling, they can hear you through the magic wires. Also, bouncing a ball may help you think, but it is hindering everyone else around you. Just SHUT UP!

Body Builder: “Hey Bro, how much ya bench?" Every office has one of these meat heads. These fools will never pass up an opportunity to lift up their shirt and show off their abs, talk about how much they can lift, discuss their sore muscles, and how many squats they can do. Even if you could care less, they will tell you every ingredient in their protein concoction and try to force you to have a little taste. No thank you.

The Martyr: Martyrs insist on doing everything themselves. These chumps take on way too much and then complain about how busy and overwhelmed they are. They want everyone to know what they are sacrificing for this job. Martyrs talk about how all their hard work and loyalty goes totally unnoticed and unappreciated by their superiors. Yet, they keep on going.

The Back Stabber: I have worked with all kinds of these in my day. They pretend to be your friend just long enough to get the information from you, steal your ideas, and then badmouth you to management. Choose your words wisely. You’ll never know who will morph into one of these horrible people. Be careful who you vent to.

The “Todd”: You know, the person that has the “frat guy” behavior. The “alpha douche” that that is friends with anyone, especially the ladies. Todds are the likeable pranksters that love getting attention. They are usually crafty and sweet talkers so watch out for the office “Todds”.

So there you have it. My two cents on working in an office. How many of these do you have in your office? Share this post with a co-worker (who has a sense of humor, of course)! Recognize yourself? Ha!

Sep 6, 2016

Dear Mom: Dinner Really Isn't That Hard

Dear mom,

You may think that dinner time is exhausting, chaotic, and frustrating. I see you secretly wiping away those tears as all hell breaks loose every single day. I feel bad for being a large part of your dinner time drinking…so, I wanted to help you out. As your toddler, I am here to tell you it doesn’t have to be this hard. I wanted to let you in on a few little toddler secrets. Follow these simple rules and conditions, and I just might eat my dinner. That’s what you want, right?
  • All plates, bowls, and cups must be selected and pre-approved by me. If you pick the blue bowl without approval, I will lose my shit.
  • I must sit on your lap while I eat. Not next to you, but directly on your lap.
  • Except for when I am not sitting on your lap. Then I will lay under the table or run back and forth from the living room to my chair, smearing food all over the couch on the way. Don’t yell.
  • I may or may not use a fork. This will depend on my mood at that instant and if the “puppy fork” is clean. Sometimes even if the puppy fork is clean, I might just use my hands anyway.
  • Just let me eat directly from your plate, even if the exact same food is on my plate. Clearly, the food on my plate is poison.
  • Please note: I will lose my shit if you eat any of the poison food off my plate. It’s mine.
  • I will stick my fingers in your drink. Just accept it and move on. 
  • I refuse to eat anything that is spicy (anything that has more flavor than water, is sweet, is salty, or is not bland is spicy). Don’t bother putting it on my plate if it has any sort of flavor.
  • Don’t give me anything that is “broken”. It must all be in one piece. It tastes different when it is broken.
  • Applaud and praise me for every bite of food I take. This is essential.
  • Ensure my food is at the ideal temperature of 98.5 degrees. Not too hot or not too cold. If it is not at the correct temperature, I will spit it out and/or throw my plate across the room.
  • I also may just decide that I don’t like what is on my plate which will also lead to throwing it across the room or feeding it directly to the dog. 
  • My food must not be hard, soft, slippery, wet, bumpy, dry, hot, cold, crunchy, mushy, or spicy.
  • Food color is very important too. I only like red food on Tuesday. If you give me green food, make sure it is only when there is a full moon. Yesterday I liked yellow food, but I will HATE it tomorrow. Try to keep up.
  • Never let one type of food touch another type of food on my plate. This will again make me throw my plate across the room.
  • I will eat three bites of dinner. Then I want candy and ice cream. 
See? This is simple. Now that you know what I expect, there should be no more tears of frustration or drinking. Let’s all enjoy this family dinner. Now, hug me and love me (I own you).

Love,

Your dearest toddler

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Sep 1, 2016

Why it Sucks to be a Kid (In their eyes)

Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparent’s Day…When is it Kid’s Day? “Every day is Kid’s Day”. We’ve all heard that growing up. But when you are a kid, you just don't get it. You think things are really hard and you always get the short end of the stick.

As an adult, there are so many times that I would just love to go back to elementary school. Wouldn’t it be great to spend your days learning letters, coloring, singing, recess, and maybe even quiet time? Sounds so much simpler than my crazy, hectic life of work, kids, chores, bills…it never ends.

My kids think that their lives are so awful and hard. Being three, six, and eight is brutal and as their parents, we are really cramping their style. Here are their thoughts on why it is so hard to be a kid.

Not the Boss – Following rules and being bossed around all day sucks. I want to talk to strangers, play in the street, eat candy for breakfast, not go to school…I’m 8 and really mature. I should be in charge.

Bathing – Why do you even need to do this anyway? Having someone wash your hair for you, or playing in the bathtub with no time pressure…that sucks. Having someone wash you…God awful.

Eating – It is torture having to WAIT while someone makes your food for you when you are starving. It also really sucks when you get applesauce instead of pears. And...you make me eat at the table and not in the living room. This is an injustice.

Getting Dressed - Putting on clean underwear. Screw that. I hat that you make sure I have clean clothes every day…that sucks.

Technology-It sucks I don’t have my own iPad and I have to “borrow” mom’s or dad’s. That is so annoying. Mom and dad, you should totally spend over $1,000 so we can all have our own iPads. AND Grandpa doesn’t have wifi. What’s up with that?

Entertainment: You take me to parades, amusement parks, and on vacations. It bites having to wait for the parade to start. Why does it take so long? There are always SUPER long lines at the amusement parks. And the cabin? Why is it such a long drive? Riding in the car for 2 hours is horrible.

Going to School: I can’t believe we have to go to school every day. It sucks having to learn and spend the day with my friends. I already know my name and how to read short books. That is good enough.

Transportation: Having you drive me everywhere I want to go sucks. If I want to go to the store, you drive. If I want to go to baseball practice, you drive. If I want to go to a friend’s house, you drive. Sometimes we are late. Why can’t we be on time? Also, it takes you forever to pick me up. Kids should totally be able to drive.


Kids, you got it made. I know it doesn't always feel like it, but we are only looking out for you. One day you are going to wake up and realize that you are not children anymore. Don’t rush it. Trust me. Being an adult is not all it is cracked up to be.