Just the other night, my kids
asked if we could go on a walk to the park. It was a nice evening, my husband
was working late anyway, so I reluctantly said yes. In reality, the last thing
I wanted to do was walk to the park with the three kiddos and the dog after a
long day at work and a long commute home. I was really just looking forward to
being lazy and just sitting on the couch and chilling. Regardless of what
wanted, I decided that I would be the good mom and take my circus show to the
park. After the typical shoe debacle and everyone had on two matching shoes, we
headed out the door to begin our hike to the park. One rode his bike, one walked
the dog, and I pushed the youngest in the stroller. We made the one-mile trek
through the neighborhoods to the park and it was relatively uneventful. The
second we arrived, they all ran off and started playing. Excellent, a moment to
myself to sit down and just enjoy being outside. Or so I thought…We had only
been there for about 5 short minutes and I noticed that my youngest was bending
over saying the dreaded words that could instantly send me into sheer panic… “my
tummy hurts”. My stomach sunk and I immediately
feared projectile vomit was in the near future. If she pukes, then what am I
going to do? Who will watch her so I can go to work tomorrow? How am I going to
function on being up all night? Now the other two are going to get it and then my
husband and I will get it…and so on…I tried to rationalize and talk myself
down. Maybe she just hit her tummy on something on the playground. Maybe it
wasn’t anything at all. Wishful thinking. A few minutes later she did it again,
but this time I knew exactly what was happening. She had the classic look I had
seen every day for the last three years…the bright red face, half squat, and blank
stare. It was her pooping face. Honestly, my first reaction was complete relief
that it was poop and not puke. I could deal with poop all day long, but puke?
No way. I just can’t do it. I left my comfy spot on the park bench and I walked
back over to the stroller to grab the supplies to clean her up. That’s when I
realized that I had forgotten to grab a pull up and wipes before we left the
house. Grrrrr…..How could I forget these important items? I have been a mom for
a long time and I know it is just a given that someone would have to poop, pee,
puke, or bleed during an one-hour trip to the park. We had only been there for
five minutes and now I was going to have round up the kids and head back home. No
one was happy about having to leave so soon and I ruined Evan’s life AGAIN,
probably for the fifth time that day. I had to chase Avarie around park to even
get her to the stroller and when I finally caught up to her, I caught the
rancid whiff. Right then, I knew this was bad news. I turned her around to pick
her up and the diarrhea had already traveled up her back, down her legs, and pretty
much filled her neon pink shorts. It was like her diaper exploded inside her
pants. Are you freaking kidding me? She is almost three years old. Why is this
happening? It had been a while since I have dealt with a blowout like this.
Probably since she was a newborn and sprayed poop all over me and the couch
while I was changing her diaper in the wee hours of the morning. I do consider
myself a bowel movement specialist, but this time, I definitely failed. I
wasn’t prepared and this wasn’t your
everyday poop situation. I did a quick inventory check of the stroller to see
if there was anything that could help me in this “shitty” situation. I found
that I had two small restaurant napkins and a pair of water shoes. Good grief…this
is not looking good. I had to think quick like MacGyver…what could I do with
what I had. I grabbed the napkins and swimming shoes and laid her down on the
grass. I carefully removed the crap-filled pink shorts. There it was in all its fragrant glory. It
was the biggest shit explosion I had ever seen in my entire life. This was not
cute newborn baby shit explosion. It was much, much worse. It was toddler shit.
Real little person, nasty, stank shit. It was all over her back, stomach, legs,
bottom, and now her sandals thanks to my not-so-careful shorts removal. I sheepishly
looked down at my two small cocktail napkins. This just wasn’t going to cut it,
but it was all I had. I wiped off as much as I could with the tiny napkins but it
barely made a dent in the thick, massive amount of poop smeared everywhere. The
only other thing I had was the swim shoes. How were these going to help this
situation? Then, I noticed the liners of the shoes were bunched up and I
realized that they were removable. My brilliant idea, I’ll remove the shoe insoles
and use them to try to scrape off as much poop as I could. It may not have been
the best idea I have ever had, but it was all I got. Nasty. I used both liners
and there was still a “crap load” of poo left. Now what was I going to do? I
used up all my supplies. I couldn’t just put her in the stroller with poop
smeared all over her butt. Bingo…I’ll use the grass. People used to use leaves
and grass back in the caveman days, right?
So there I was scooting my screaming toddler’s bare, poopy ass all over
the grass right in front of the playground. The older kids were laughing hysterically
and she was crying probably because it hurt as I slid her along the grass. The
smell was horrendous and the brown streak mark enormous. All the good moms and
dads who remembered wipes and pull ups were looking at me like WTF is she doing…judging.
I did what I had to do. I was very resourceful in my situation. I mean, water
shoe liners and scooting in the grass? Not everyone would have gone to that
extreme. Even after wiping her butt in the grass, there was still poop
everywhere. I don’t know where it kept coming from, but there it was. This
whole process was taking so long that the hot summer sun dried some of it on
her legs. Just then, an elderly man who was playing at the park with his
grandchildren noticed what was going on. He asked if I needed wipes. Um….YES! Where
was he 10 minutes ago as I was scraping shit off my toddler’s ass with shoe
liners? I gratefully said yes, please! I was thinking that he had some with him
and that it would be easy for him to quick grab a couple and pass them over to
me. Nope. He yells out to his son, Steve, who was across the field coaching a
soccer practice for his older grandchild. He bellowed out across the soccer
field as if it was a five alarm fire “Steve, we need wipes! Wipe emergency over
here, Steve! Run!” Good old Steve puts the soccer practice on hold and darts
across the soccer field to see what his dad is yelling about and what all the
commotion was. He runs over and sees that we were in need of wipes. When he
came over to see what all the fuss was about, he didn’t bring his car keys. Poor
Steve has to run back across the soccer field to get his car keys so he could unlock
his car and THEN find the wipes. Now I was super embarrassed. I just wanted to
put the poopy shorts on and get out of there, but now I had to wait for Steve.
I am sure all the soccer moms were wondering where Steve, the soccer coach, ran
off to. I thanked him, wiped her up, and put the pink poop shorts back on. We just
had to get home. She was screaming because she didn’t want to leave, my son was
screaming because he had accidently stepped in the poop I had smeared in the
grass and it was on his shoe…I am sure we were quite the sight. I took my freak
show and off we went down the long sidewalk back home. All we needed was the circus
tune to accompany us on our trip. The baby kept crying because her butt hurt.
She probably had grass and rocks up her butt or something horrible! On the way
home, I kept getting a whiff of that nasty poop smell. I just figured it was
coming from the dirty shorts. We finally made it home. Phew. I threw her in the
tub and got her cleaned up. Damn. I kept smelling it. Was it in my nose? Where
was it coming from? I happened to glance in the mirror as I walked by to get
the towel and realized that I had a giant poop smear all over my left arm. Well…that explains it.
Although this night was “shitty”,
it really wasn’t that unordinary. Motherhood is definitely not glamorous and it
is filled with so many unexpected substances and smells; you have to be
prepared for anything. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I get to be a
mom to three smart, humorous, sneaky, loud, smelly, dirty and amazing kids. So,
Live. Laugh. Poop.  |
| The actual water shoes...notice the lack of the liner. |
