I can see that like dinner, bed time is another very frustrating time for you. I thought since I gave you such great tips on how to get me to eat my dinner, I would do the same for getting me to go to bed. After all, you are my mommy and you take care of me. It’s the least I can do.
1. Inform me that it is time to go to bed.
2. Console me as I scream, cry, and convulse because you said it was bed time.
3. Tell me it is bed time again.
4. Chase me around the house and physically pick me up and carry me up the stairs (I’ll probably bite you…hard).
5. Now, chase me around upstairs and try to corral me into my room while I kick, hit, and pinch you.
6. Pick out the wrong pajamas for me to wear (you never get the right ones).
7. Wait 15 minutes while I pick out just the right pajamas…which will actually just be regular pants and a shirt (maybe even a skirt if I’m feeling wild).
8. Then wait another 10 minutes for me to pick out my pull-up (I know, I know…they are all the same. I just want to be sure I get the very best one.
9. Don’t even think about helping me put on my pull-up or pajamas.
10. In fact, don’t even look at me. I will do it MYSELF.
11. If you look at me, I will lose my shit.
12. When I start to cry out of frustration because the “pants don’t work” just console me. But DON’T help me….or look at me.
13. Now that my PJs are on backwards and inside out, it’s time to chase me again.
14. I’ll probably slide down the stairs on my tummy and hide.
15. Try to find me (I’ll probably be in the pantry).
16. Now I’m hungry.
17. Help me to get a snack.
18. I get to pick.
19. I want candy.
20. Listen to me cry and console me when you say no candy (one of these days you’ll say yes out of pure frustration…I just know it).
21. Wait 10 more minutes while I point to every snack in the pantry and say “I want ___”. Please note that when you give it to me, I will say “no”.
22. Settle with me on a few goldfish.
23. Pick the wrong bowl for the Goldfish.
24. Watch me scream and flop around on the floor because it was not the perfect bowl.
25. Let me pick to ensure that we have found the most perfect bowl in the whole house.
26. Make sure I have my favorite water cup (the pink one with the green cover).
27. Ensure that no water drips are on the outside of the cup. I will lose my shit if it is wet.
28. Carry me, my snack, and my water cup back upstairs yet again.
29. Tuck me into bed.
30. Hold me while I cry because drips of water from my special cup got on my sheets (I warned you not to let the cup get wet).
31. Wipe the water drips up and console me when I lose my shit because a gold fish fell out of the world’s most perfect bowl.
32. Brush the crumbs from my bed.
33. Give me the wrong binky.
34. Not the spicy one, asshole.
35. No, not that one either. The other one…I want the one under my mattress that you have to move my whole bed to find. Yes, that is the special one.
36. Now tuck me in again.
37. Make sure my blanket is in the proper position.
38. Ensure I have all the right animals on my bed in the right order.
39. Ensure that I have the proper books to read.
40. No, not those. Let me pick.
41. Wait 10 minutes while I pick out the best books.
42. Reposition me and my blanket.
43. I want two blankets, not one. Duh.
44. Find the other blanket and make sure it is “just so”.
45. Give me a hug and say goodnight.
46. Start to walk away and then come back quick because a book fell on the floor.
47. Grab the book and locate the proper place for it on my bed.
48. Leave and shut the door.
49. Come back immediately because I am scared of the dark.
50. Console me.
51. Say goodnight again and give me another hug.
52. Leave and shut the door.
53. Come back immediately and make sure the cat isn’t under the bed. I don’t like when she is in my room.
54. Tuck me in again…please use the utmost care and don’t mess it up.
55. Say goodnight again.
56. Come back in when I cry because I want socks.
57. Pick out the wrong socks.
58. Wait 10 minutes while I pick out the right ones.
59. Let me put them on myself.
60. Console me when I cry because the socks “don’t work” (aka I can’t get them on straight).
61. Tuck me in again using care and in the correct position.
62. Tickle my back for a minute.
63. A minute wasn’t long enough – do it longer.
64. Now tickle my tummy.
65. Say goodnight again.
66. Shut the door and come back when I cry and say my tummy hurts.
67. Convince me that you lay down when your tummy hurts.
68. Tuck me in again.
69. Leave and attempt to go downstairs.
70. Congratulations. I will now stay in bed for five minutes until I call you back in for some questions or a Band-Aid emergency.
See? Easy. Relax. It’s not that hard. Now just love me. I’m your lovable baby girl.
Your dearest toddler