I’m sure you have heard…being a mom has some disgusting
responsibilities. You do thousands of putrid things you never imagined that you
would actually do. Before you have
kids, people don’t explain to you the extent of the nasty things that you will touch
with your bare hands…or if they do, you don’t actually believe them until you are a parent yourself. Once you have that
first child, it’s like a switch is flipped and poop, boogers, spit…they just don’t
seem that gross anymore. You just have to handle it, literally, with your bare
hands sometimes. Every single parent will have some kind of ick on them at some
point. I guarantee it. Put those gag reflexes away. There is no time for that.
Here are some disgusting things I have touched and/or encountered
on my parenting journey thus far…I’m sure there will be more to come.
Poop: This is the most obvious,
and probably the one you will hear the most about. Everyone knows that babies
poop in diapers and you will have to change them. But it is so much more than
that. You will touch poop, you will smell poop, and you will find it smeared on
something other than your child’s butt (including yourself). I have even had to
use my bare hands to help my kids get their stuck poop out of their butt when they
were constipated. Didn’t see that one coming.
Poop will suddenly become very important. You will
investigate the color, amount, and texture on a regular basis because it can
tell you a lot about your child. You will become a poop expert…and the funny
part, you will genuinely care about it.
It is inevitable that one of your children will poop in the
bathtub more than once. It will be your job to fish that wet, slimy turd out of
the water with your bare hands. Your child’s ass will explode at the most
inopportune time. There may be times you don’t have a diaper, or forget wipes….No
problem. you will be an expert at using random objects and articles of clothing
to clean up these poop explosions. http://dailydumpshitshow.blogspot.com/2016/06/live-laugh-poop.html
Smells: You will smell things that you can never un-smell.
Not only will you openly smell your child’s butt to check for poop, you will
have other moments where the stenches that you come across will burn your nose and
bring tears to your eyes. Rotting chicken nuggets emanating from under the seat
of your car, rotten milk in a sippy cup hidden in a toy box for weeks, a balled
up moldy, festering piece of string cheese in plastic bag in a desk drawer, vomit,
farts (so many farts), diarrhea… Your nose will also be a great help when
trying to determine what sticky substance is on the furniture. Puke? Boogers?
Poop?
Regurgitated
Food:
Spitting out food is something kids just do. When they don’t like something, they
will lean over and before you get a napkin, the chewed up, slimy food ball is
in your hand. Why use a napkin or the garbage when mom’s hand is always
available? You will find regurgitated food on the floor, on the couch, in the
corner of the bathroom…wherever. What do you do? Pick it up with your bare
hands and get rid of it. The best thing is when you don’t have anywhere to put
the chewed up spit food and you have to throw it in your purse as a last
resort. Yes, this happens. You will have chewed food in your Coach purse.
Barf: You will be puked on. Probably
more than once. Kids puke…a lot. I have let my kids puke on me in order to save
my furniture or carpet. You will just take one for the team and keep on
truckin’. Good luck getting the vomit smell out of your cloth car seats. Leather
will become your friend.
Boogers: Kids are full of boogers and
snot. Their noses have a perpetual stream of green snot dripping down into
their mouths. If you don’t have a
Kleenex, sometimes the only option is to wipe their snot on your bare hand Then
what? You wipe it on your pants, sleeve, or the floor of course. What else are
you supposed to do?
It will also become the norm to pick someone else’s nose….with
your finger. Those dry, crusty
boogers peeking out…they need to come off. Oddly, I get a sense of disgusting pleasure at
removing those crunchy nuggets… Pick and flick.
Urine: You will touch and smell more
pee than you ever imagined possible. You will even be peed on at times. Seems like you are cleaning pee off of
everything. Floors, toilets, sheets, clothes, and even your own hands. How hard
is it to get your pee in the toilet? Apparently very, very hard. You may even
have to stick your hand into an unflushed toilet to retrieve something that was
dropped. You do what you have to do.
Lice: The dreaded note in your
child’s backpack. Another kid in your
child’s class has lice. There is nothing more terrifying than the idea of tiny
bugs living on your kid’s hair and infesting the rest of your family. Although
completely disgusting, it’s just one more thing to deal with. What choice do
you have?
Teeth: There will be a time that you will have to
help you kids pull their wiggly teeth out. To me, there is just something
unnatural about removing teeth out of someone’s mouth...even if they are baby
teeth. You will then proceed to keep all these little teeth in some sort of
container hidden in your room because you don’t know what else to do with them
after the tooth fairy comes. Yes, you will one day have a creepy tooth
collection. Sounds like something out of a horror movie to me, but it’s just part
of being a mom.
No one said motherhood would be glamorous. They got that
right. What disgusting things have you done as a parent?
No comments:
Post a Comment