Sep 12, 2016

Is it Poop?

I’m sure you have heard…being a mom has some disgusting responsibilities. You do thousands of putrid things you never imagined that you would actually do. Before you have kids, people don’t explain to you the extent of the nasty things that you will touch with your bare hands…or if they do, you don’t actually believe them until you are a parent yourself. Once you have that first child, it’s like a switch is flipped and poop, boogers, spit…they just don’t seem that gross anymore. You just have to handle it, literally, with your bare hands sometimes. Every single parent will have some kind of ick on them at some point. I guarantee it. Put those gag reflexes away. There is no time for that.

Here are some disgusting things I have touched and/or encountered on my parenting journey thus far…I’m sure there will be more to come.

Poop: This is the most obvious, and probably the one you will hear the most about. Everyone knows that babies poop in diapers and you will have to change them. But it is so much more than that. You will touch poop, you will smell poop, and you will find it smeared on something other than your child’s butt (including yourself). I have even had to use my bare hands to help my kids get their stuck poop out of their butt when they were constipated. Didn’t see that one coming.

Poop will suddenly become very important. You will investigate the color, amount, and texture on a regular basis because it can tell you a lot about your child. You will become a poop expert…and the funny part, you will genuinely care about it.

It is inevitable that one of your children will poop in the bathtub more than once. It will be your job to fish that wet, slimy turd out of the water with your bare hands. Your child’s ass will explode at the most inopportune time. There may be times you don’t have a diaper, or forget wipes….No problem. you will be an expert at using random objects and articles of clothing to clean up these poop explosions.

Smells:  You will smell things that you can never un-smell. Not only will you openly smell your child’s butt to check for poop, you will have other moments where the stenches that you come across will burn your nose and bring tears to your eyes. Rotting chicken nuggets emanating from under the seat of your car, rotten milk in a sippy cup hidden in a toy box for weeks, a balled up moldy, festering piece of string cheese in plastic bag in a desk drawer, vomit, farts (so many farts), diarrhea… Your nose will also be a great help when trying to determine what sticky substance is on the furniture. Puke? Boogers? Poop?

Regurgitated Food: Spitting out food is something kids just do. When they don’t like something, they will lean over and before you get a napkin, the chewed up, slimy food ball is in your hand. Why use a napkin or the garbage when mom’s hand is always available? You will find regurgitated food on the floor, on the couch, in the corner of the bathroom…wherever. What do you do? Pick it up with your bare hands and get rid of it. The best thing is when you don’t have anywhere to put the chewed up spit food and you have to throw it in your purse as a last resort. Yes, this happens. You will have chewed food in your Coach purse.

Barf: You will be puked on. Probably more than once. Kids puke…a lot. I have let my kids puke on me in order to save my furniture or carpet. You will just take one for the team and keep on truckin’. Good luck getting the vomit smell out of your cloth car seats. Leather will become your friend.

Boogers: Kids are full of boogers and snot. Their noses have a perpetual stream of green snot dripping down into their mouths.  If you don’t have a Kleenex, sometimes the only option is to wipe their snot on your bare hand Then what? You wipe it on your pants, sleeve, or the floor of course. What else are you supposed to do?

It will also become the norm to pick someone else’s nose….with your finger. Those dry, crusty boogers peeking out…they need to come off.  Oddly, I get a sense of disgusting pleasure at removing those crunchy nuggets… Pick and flick.

Urine: You will touch and smell more pee than you ever imagined possible. You will even be peed on at times. Seems like you are cleaning pee off of everything. Floors, toilets, sheets, clothes, and even your own hands. How hard is it to get your pee in the toilet? Apparently very, very hard. You may even have to stick your hand into an unflushed toilet to retrieve something that was dropped. You do what you have to do.

Lice: The dreaded note in your child’s backpack.  Another kid in your child’s class has lice. There is nothing more terrifying than the idea of tiny bugs living on your kid’s hair and infesting the rest of your family. Although completely disgusting, it’s just one more thing to deal with. What choice do you have?

Teeth:  There will be a time that you will have to help you kids pull their wiggly teeth out. To me, there is just something unnatural about removing teeth out of someone’s mouth...even if they are baby teeth. You will then proceed to keep all these little teeth in some sort of container hidden in your room because you don’t know what else to do with them after the tooth fairy comes. Yes, you will one day have a creepy tooth collection. Sounds like something out of a horror movie to me, but it’s just part of being a mom.

No one said motherhood would be glamorous. They got that right. What disgusting things have you done as a parent?

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