How Having A Toddler Is Like Having The WORST Boss Ever

I think it is safe to say that we have all had really terrible, asinine, and arrogant bosses at one time or another. You know, the total assholes that suck the life out of you pretty much every day. I know I have. I’ve had bosses that would bring me to tears multiple times during the day. And that got me thinking as I sat on my own couch in tears of frustration courtesy of my very own little three-year-old “boss”. She is an awful lot like the unpleasant bosses I have encountered throughout my career.

Here are the top reasons my toddler is like my worst boss ever…And there happen to be 10 of them:

10. The micro-managing. Seriously, there are rules for everything. Toddler rules: Watch out if you put the cereal in the wrong colored bowl for that day, cut the sandwich incorrectly, or give her the "spicy" binkie. Asshole boss rules: Don't you dare get them in the wrong seat on an airplane, order lunch from the wrong place for a meeting, or schedule a meeting over the three-hour workout window. The wrath will be felt. IDIOT. 

9. You cannot reason with them. You can try until you are blue in the face. It is their way or the highway. Sound familiar? 

8. Always wrong. You can never do anything right or be good enough. No matter what. Hmmmm….sounds a lot like my toddler; AND my old boss. 

7. Mind reading. Toddlers and bosses expect you to know what they are thinking at all times. You better learn to anticipate what they might want before they have to ask. Better yet? Just read their minds. Got it? 

6. Punching a clock. Bad bosses watch you constantly or make you account for every second of your day. Take a little too much time making your lunch in the break room or check your phone too often? You’re done. Toddlers…they can’t even go two seconds without wanting to know where you are and what you are doing. Don’t go to the bathroom for longer than a minute. Don’t go into the other room to take a phone call. They will hunt you down. They will find you. 

5. Demanding. Bosses and toddlers alike are very demanding people. They want everything now, now, now. Is it done yet? Hurry up.

4. Performance reviews. Toddlers, like asshole bosses, never give good performance reviews. No constructive criticism here. Do you even do anything right? Nope.

3. Approval. We are constantly seeking the approval of our employers. We want to make them happy and succeed in our jobs. Much like our little toddler dictators. We want their approval and love.

2. Belittlement. I’ve had bosses that made me feel like a complete failure. Most often, they do this in public or in front of other employees in a condescending way. My toddler, she does the same thing …usually in public. 

And...the #1 reason MY toddler is just like MY worst boss ever...

1.  Wiping ass. Boss babies, much like toddlers, need their hands held and their asses wiped. They like to think they are “big kids” and can do everything by themselves…but when that fails, mommy is there to clean up the shit show.

There is one BIG difference. I love my baby dearly. She can be as awful as she wants, and I will never “quit” this job. 

Bosses, do better. Do, better.