Sep 9, 2016

Dirty Diapers - The Workplace Shit Show

I am going to take a bit of a different direction than my usual posts. I’m going to touch on the “working” part of my life, because that is a shit show too. Yes, we all know that I am an overwhelmed, sarcastic mom. But I’m also an overwhelmed, sarcastic “working” mom. I have worked full time, in an office setting, since I graduated college way back with the dinosaurs in the year 2003. I have spent countless hours of my life working with or for people that are complete dill weeds.

As a working mom, I deal with ass hats all day long. The office drama, stress, and pure insanity is unbearable at times. I’ve been in far too many situations where I have seen grown adults acting in ways far worse than my two-year-old. When I entered the workforce all those years ago, I had no idea that working in an office was just an “old person” preschool. You deal with tantrums, crying, screaming, drama, gossip, anger, and lots of ass wiping (more than you can ever imagine). What I have discovered over the years of working and being a mom? I need to drink more. That’s what. There is just no escaping it. Whether you are a stay at home mom, or a working mom life is the same. Just different types of crazy and different types of ass wiping.

Working in an office for most of my life, I’ve discovered that the cast of actual characters may change, but there are a few certain individuals that you seem to find everywhere you go. These folks make the work day feel just a little bit too long. In an office of about 100 people, I would say there are probably about 10 people you can actually stand being around and maybe 3 in which you would say you actually like and can tolerate having a conversation with. So, to help all you youngsters who haven’t yet entered the workforce or haven’t been around long enough to experience all these lovely traits, this is my gift to you.

You’re welcome.

All of the below folks are real people I have met during my years working in an office.

Kiss Ass/Name Vomiter: Get your barf bag, here comes the kiss ass. Every office has the person that feels the need to vomit bigshot, important names any chance they can. “The owners want it like this” or “The president said I have to do this”. The ass kissing…it is truly amazing. They will do anything they can to make themselves look good to their superiors. Doesn’t matter who they have to stab in the back to do it. Is it to make themselves feel more important? Is it to get their way? Do they have no soul? Who knows. Narcissistic management sure eats it up. Perhaps they are on to something.

Bitter IT Guy: Why is it that all IT guys seem to be unhelpful and bitter? They pretty much never actually fix the problem (or at least the IT guys that I have encountered thus far). I don’t even think they know what the problem is. Common solutions are “restart your computer” or “change your colors and tool bars in your settings” or “you sit too far away from the server closet; it just doesn’t work.” Hmmmmm….It’s no wonder I have not had a working computer since 2005. Thank you.

The Know-It-All: Not only do they know how to flawlessly do their own job, but they are experts at your job and everyone else’s job as well. They comment on everything because there is nothing they can’t do or haven’t done before. They love to be involved in all conversations no matter what the topic. Yep, you know more and do better than me, blah, blah, blah…

The Dinosaur: They have been working for this company since before most of us were born. They come from a much simpler time where people knew their place. Respect of elders and management was mandatory and damn it, you will respect them. They will make sure of that (they can be quite scary). Dinosaurs have trouble with any sort of technology and claim to miss the “face-to-face” interaction of the old days. The only thing keeping these old, crab asses alive is their resentment, bitterness, and need for control. Might be time for the memory care home, in my opinion.

Delusionary: They are usually the CEO’s or the owners of a company. They are typically the pretentious, entitled people that have their heads so far up their asses, they actually have no idea what is really going on in their own company. They come up with what they think is a fabulous, genius idea (which is actually DUMB and/or has been thought of before) and then make their minions do it 100 times because they don’t have a clue as to what they actually want. These warts usually have no concept of the amount time it takes to create something and say “just get it done”. Don’t you know they are untouchable? Don’t even think about saying no.

Mooch Monster: Attends meetings just for the free lunches. Sometimes these monsters will lurk around the meeting room door hoping it will end early and they have a chance to grab some leftover food off the table. They never pull their fair share of the workload and rules don’t apply to them. Moochers show up to meetings unprepared and are always in need of something but never really do anything. Hey, I know you have a job, because I work with you. Get your own shit and go do it.

The Nazi: This person has been preparing for this role since elementary school. They watch, record, and diligently report anything they feel you should not be doing, whether it affects them or not. These activities are not actually part of their job, but because of their misguided sense of loyalty and lack of control in their personal life, they take it upon themselves to “solve” all the workplace problems (real, or made up). Don’t make your salad for too long in the lunch room or don’t take that extra lap around the building on your lunch walk. The Nazi is always watching and running to your boss with every detail.

Kitchen Guy: He's there again. Just lurking in the kitchen. I just want to re-fill my water bottle once without having to get the play-by-play of your strange life or the secret ingredients of the chicken breast you are cooking on the George Forman grill. Don’t you ever have any work to do? Why do you spend so much time in the kitchen? It raises the questions, does this freak really work here? Does he work remotely from the kitchen? I’m confused.

The Wonderer: This is your co-worker that is constantly wandering the halls aimlessly as if they are looking for something. What? Who knows. I doubt they even know. Maybe they are lost and can’t find their way back to their desk. Maybe they are searching for guidance. Just smile and keep walking. That’s all you can do.

The office gossip: No one and no topic is off limits to these big mouths. They live for the next office scandal. Make sure you don’t make eye contact with anyone at work for too long or wear dangly earrings or these people will be telling everyone about your new boyfriend. As gossipy as they are, if you ever need to know anything, they are the one to go to.

Idea Killer: This is the rube that feels the need to shit on everyone's parade. No matter how good the idea is, they will find fault with it somehow. They will make sure to squash your career and ensure you have no opportunity for advancement. Thanks for making me feel like a piece of crap, idea killer.

The Busy Bee: Busy Bees love to talk about how busy they are, which usually means they have nothing to do. They constantly flap their yaps and use words like crazy busy, or overwhelmed to try to convince others (and themselves) that they are important and busy. These folks are rarely seen doing any actual work. If you do see them working, take a picture. It is a rare find.

The Toddler: This is the person with the “passion” (aka tantrum thrower). They are reactive to a fault and jump to conclusions based on their mood at the moment (which is almost always bad). They are the first point fingers at anyone other than themselves no matter what the situation. This is the crier, the door slammer, and the drama queen. They also tend to re-tell the same story over and over again for weeks like you haven’t just heard it…to every one they encounter at the office. Clearly attention seekers.

Token Idiot: There is always the one person (or 10) that are just plain stupid. Complete and utter ineptitude. These people are reminders to everyone working hard that success can’t possibly come from being competent or qualified. No one knows how they got their jobs and sure as hell have no idea how they keep their jobs. In fact, most people don’t even really know what their job is supposed to be. Most likely they will be promoted and praised throughout their professional life and will probably sign your paychecks someday. Great.

Miss Microphone: Evidently, these fools don’t know how to shut their doors. They do 2-hour-long conference calls (on speaker phone), blast their music, hum, crack their knuckles, or even nervously throw balls against the walls while they are “thinking”. Did you know that you don’t have to shout on the phone? No matter how far away you are calling, they can hear you through the magic wires. Also, bouncing a ball may help you think, but it is hindering everyone else around you. Just SHUT UP!

Body Builder: “Hey Bro, how much ya bench?" Every office has one of these meat heads. These fools will never pass up an opportunity to lift up their shirt and show off their abs, talk about how much they can lift, discuss their sore muscles, and how many squats they can do. Even if you could care less, they will tell you every ingredient in their protein concoction and try to force you to have a little taste. No thank you.

The Martyr: Martyrs insist on doing everything themselves. These chumps take on way too much and then complain about how busy and overwhelmed they are. They want everyone to know what they are sacrificing for this job. Martyrs talk about how all their hard work and loyalty goes totally unnoticed and unappreciated by their superiors. Yet, they keep on going.

The Back Stabber: I have worked with all kinds of these in my day. They pretend to be your friend just long enough to get the information from you, steal your ideas, and then badmouth you to management. Choose your words wisely. You’ll never know who will morph into one of these horrible people. Be careful who you vent to.

The “Todd”: You know, the person that has the “frat guy” behavior. The “alpha douche” that that is friends with anyone, especially the ladies. Todds are the likeable pranksters that love getting attention. They are usually crafty and sweet talkers so watch out for the office “Todds”.

So there you have it. My two cents on working in an office. How many of these do you have in your office? Share this post with a co-worker (who has a sense of humor, of course)! Recognize yourself? Ha!

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