Recently, I spent four days camping in Wisconsin Dells with my
husband, three children, and both of my parents. If you know me at all, camping
never has been my thing. I’ve discovered that my feelings towards camping have
not changed. I don’t want to be one with nature and sleep in the woods in a
tent. I don’t like bugs, dirt, spiders, walking 3 miles uphill to a smelly bathroom,
and being hot…or cold. To me, it is a great reminder of how lovely it is
not camping. If I had my way, I would camp in a hotel equipped with a pool and a spa. Lots of people
say camping is a way to escape the pressures and troubles of everyday life and
relax in nature. To me, it causes more stress and anxiety than my everyday
life. My theory is that any vacation
where you have to work harder than you would at home or at your job is not a
vacation at all. Although, any vacation with small children is hard work and not really a vacation. All
that said, I still decided to go along with this camping thing for my kids. I
want them to have the fun of camping out and spending time with their
grandparents. Kids like that stuff, right?
My parents recently purchased a fancy Mercedes motor home and travel
around the country camping. Now that is the kind of camping I could handle. This
thing has a queen bed, loft, toilet, shower, TV and DVD, and full kitchen!
Unfortunately, it is not large enough to sleep my family of five and the two of
them. So instead of camping in a tent near their site, I had the genius idea of
renting a “cabin” at the same campsite. That way we could still camp, but I
would have the essentials like a shower, bed, bathroom, and kitchen. In theory,
this was a good idea, a good compromise. My family would be in the cabin and my
parents down a couple sites in their motor home. I had it all worked out in my
mind. Our cabin would be close enough so the kids could run back and forth
between the sites and we could use either place for cooking, fires, games, etc.
That was not quite how it turned out. I should have known that nothing ever
turns out the same as in my head.
The kids were really excited about the trip and I kind of was too. I
hadn’t been to the Dells since I was a kid and I was looking forward to
bringing my kids there and doing some of the things I remembered from long,
long ago. Now, those of you with children know that packing for a four-day trip
for three kids is a lot of work. We had to bring warm clothes, cool clothes, PJs,
food, blankets, pillows, toys, books, and anything else we might need on our
little adventure. The kids had their own ideas of what was essential to bring along
on a four-day vacation. My oldest thought water balloons and Pokémon were a
must. There was no way he could go four days without Pokémon and water balloons.
The middle child insisted on bringing half
of the books on her book shelf and her American Girl doll. Seriously, she
couldn’t lift her back pack. I had to take half of them out while she was
sleeping. And the youngest, well, she just wanted to bring lots of shoes.
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| Good Times Ahead! |
We loaded up the car. It was filled to the top, literally. I don't think we could
squeeze one more thing in if we tried. We hardly had room for the three kids. Off we went on our long journey to the water
park capital of the world. We weren’t gone for even 10 minutes and Evan was
already asking if we were almost there. The kids started fighting almost
immediately. Ugh. I had dreams of them just reading books quietly until they
fell asleep so we could have a nice quiet four-hour trip. Again, I should never
trust the ideas in my head. One is tattling on the other for eating
balloons…not sure why someone was eating balloons. One was mad because his
sister put a paper towel soaked with olive juice in his backpack. For pay back,
he said he was going to purposely pee on the toilet seat so she sat on it. Good
grief. The youngest was screaming at the top of her lungs because she wanted to
read the books that the other kid had and they wouldn’t let her. Her books were
not good enough and she wanted the other ones immediately. And so on and so on. All this within the first 15 minutes. This was going to be a long drive. People
say texting and driving is dangerous, it is, but I think it is less dangerous
than parenting and driving. It takes serious skill to mediate an argument over
who got more crackers in their bag while tossing water bottles into the back
seat, grabbing for the binky that fell on the ground to end the blood curdling screaming
because one of the crackers was broken, and turning the radio up so one of them
could sing along to their favorite song. Yep this is safe as can be. This went on until we got there
about 4 hours later.
Halfway through the drive, I remembered that I forgot to grab my
swimsuit out of the dryer before we left the house. Who forgets their swimsuit
when going to the WATER capital of the world? Me. I was so focused on getting
everything for everyone else that I forgot about myself. Grrrrr….I had to have
a suit, so we made a stop at the Tomah, Wisconsin Walmart. I am sure I can find
something just lovely at Walmart. Visiting Walmart is always a treat. While I
ran in to find a fashionable, WT swimsuit, Chris drove the kids to Culvers to
get an ice cream treat. That sounded like a good idea; keep them busy so they
didn’t cry when I left the car. That’s what they do every time I leave the car,
cry until I return. Seriously, I’ll be right back. Walmart was the typical
freak show. I tried on the only two swimsuits
they had that weren’t a size 4XL or a size 0…Hideous. Just hideous. No way in
hell was I going to wear one of these, even if it was just to a water park in
Wisconsin. I left empty handed. I got back to the car to discover the chocolate
ice cream he got for the baby was everywhere, her face, clothes, car seat, and
even dripped down into the tote bag on the floor under her feet. Excellent.
There she was crying again because she spilled and was sticky.
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| 4th Of July Festivities! |
FINALLY, we pulled into the campground and I pretty much knew I was
going to hate it. Everything was old…and crowded. I know it was 4th of July,
but I didn’t think there would be this many people. I tried to keep a positive
attitude…I’m so good at that. We got all checked in and headed to over our
site. My parents had just gotten there and they had a lovely site with lots of trees
for shade and plenty of room for the kids to play. There was no one behind them
so it was pretty private. Our cabin on the other hand, that’s a very different
story. It was on a corner lot…a few feet away from a major intersection. There
was a steady flow of traffic constantly. Mostly by decked out golf carts driven
by intoxicated seasonal residents, but it was also on the main street that lead
to the rest of the campground.
There was a seasonal camper directly behind us that
had old, faded, Winnie the Pooh décor nailed up on the deck and a built in bar
on the back. I'm so confused. Why Winnie the Pooh. Creepy. Directly across the street was the lovely view of the overflowing garbage
dumpsters, poop dump station for the motor homes, and the campsite workers’ sheds. Truly breathtaking.
The smell, well, that took your breath away too...not in a good way.
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| Kitchen Fly Swatter |
Our cabin was a dark brown trailer with a weathered and rickety old deck
off the patio door. I feared that it was going to collapse under our weight. We
unlocked the door, and there was the beautiful place we paid $165 a night to
rent for four days. It smelled, the carpet had stains everywhere, and there was
dust and hairballs on the floor. The couch in the 2x3 living room was from 1985
and was so uncomfortable you didn’t even want to sit on it. All I could think
about were the stains everywhere. What nasty things had gone on in this tiny,
stank space? The kitchen (if you can even call it that) had a refrigerator,
mini stove, sink, and a couple of cabinets. It was scummy and dirty just like
everything else in that place. There were two glorious bedrooms each complete
with a full/twin bunk bed and doctor’s office waiting room chairs…the metal
ones with the gray seat cushion. The bathroom….that was just sick. I gag just
thinking about it…the dirt, hair, and dim florescent lighting. I honestly can’t
believe that I actually set foot and showered in there (with my shoes). The walls
were all off white and I saw chunks of nasty and quashed bug stains everywhere.
I didn’t even want to think about what it was. There was a green fly swatter
hanging on the wall in the kitchen – probably the cause of some of the bloody
gut stains on the walls. Fly swatters in the kitchen, that says class.
I saw
dirt and spider webs in all the corners in all the rooms. It was definitely not
what I thought I was going to get. I knew before I booked it that it wouldn’t
be fancy or big, but I at least expected it to be clean. I bet the dog kennel
we brought the dog to was cleaner than this! I sat down at the picnic table overlooking the
scenic poop dump site and I immediately began googling a hotel we could stay at
instead. There was no way I was going to spend four days in this smelly, dirty,
shit hole. I was willing to forfeit the money we already paid to sleep in a
clean, un-stained, fragrance-free place. I was freaking out and just wanted
out. I would have been better off in a tent.
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| Grilling with Grandpa |
My parents got all set up in their camp area. We just hung out there
while we tried to decide what we wanted to do so that the baby didn’t get hit
by cars on the busy corner. My vote was still to get the hell out and find a
hotel. I lost that fight. It was decided that we would sleep and shower at our crappy
cabin and spend the rest of the time at my parent’s site. We’re going to enjoy
ourselves, dammit. Even if we have to endure torture to do it.
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| Mag. 10 Fit |
After I accepted that I was going to live and sleep in filth for four
days, I calmed down a little. It was better than I thought it would be, overall.
We hung out at my parents site for the majority of the time. We made good food,
hung out by the fire, and spent quality time together as a family. The youngest,
the town crier as we like to call her, was her usual spunky self. Bolting
anytime she got the chance, chasing dogs that walked by, and throwing magnitude
10 fits over anything and everything. It was exhausting trying to keep up with
her. It was like that every day, but camping, lack of sleep, and too much sugar
enhanced her already difficult personality. That child has a mind of her own
and there is just no stopping her. The kids were covered in dirt from head to
toe. I had to resort to bribery tactics, letting them eat candy far too often,
letting them stay up too late each night, and putting aside my OCD and letting
them go to bed covered in mud— I did what I had to do to survive.
My favorite thing was simply people watching at the campground. What a
freak show. Clearly, Wisconsin Dells was the gathering place for all the freaks
of the world. This was way better than the State Fair. I mean, I saw some real
class acts. I always knew that camping people were their own breed, but
Wisconsin camping people…that was remarkable. I saw a multitude of inappropriate
swimwear, people covered in questionable tattoos, long-haired WT folks decked
out in denim and American flags, and my favorite sight of the trip, a lady
wearing Spanks for shorts. Yep, it looked like she didn’t have pants on from
far away, but the closer definitely wearing Spanks….For shorts. Weirdest thing
I have ever seen. Everyone I saw had a cigarette and beer in their hands at all
times. I lost track of the number of times that the 2-year-old was almost run
over by drunken golf cart drivers. I don’t mean to be so judgmental…but these
people were so different from me and this lifestyle was not something I was
used to. I do live in Hanover, but this was far worse. I’m sure they were all judging
me too as I walked around with my bottled water, coach purse, and not-tattooed
body and cigarette smelling clothes. But what the heck whatever makes people
happy.
During our time there, we visited a water and amusement park, rode the
Duck Boats, went to fun restaurants, and went fishing. I got to do my favorite
thing, drinking my morning coffee outside with the birds. The weather was
perfect. Kids got to swim, play at the park, do campground crafts, and enjoy
the outdoors and family.
So, we made it the four days. I sucked it up and slept and showered in the most rancid place I
had ever been to, Chris successfully dealt with my bad attitude and frustration,
and my parents survived the noise and chaos of the kids. Regardless of the
stress of the vacation, it turned out to be a pretty good time for all of us. Definitely
not a relaxing vacation because we all worked harder there than at home, but a
good trip. The truth is, no vacation with young children will ever be relaxing
or go as planned but that’s just the way it is at this stage in our lives. It’s
about the kids, and they had fun. So…mom, dad, Chris, let’s raise a glass (or
two) to ourselves. We were brave warriors and survived a summer trip with the
young kids...and with me.
Don't forget that I had to fix a flat tire too!!! And now that squeaking won't go away in your car.
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