Pokemon Go...AWAY!

Most parents have toys their children play with that drives them nuts. I would bet that most people hate the loud toys…maybe a drum set or a kid karaoke machine, or perhaps a really annoying movie that is watched over and over. Not me. I have developed a deep hatred for Pokémon. In fact, I’m confused AF about it. As of late, it has become my oldest child’s obsession. Every minute of every day he is going on and on about those creepy little cards. Each one has a name I can’t pronounce and a unique set of skills and characteristics. My son somehow knows them all by heart.

This strange little card game has been popular since I was a kid. I remember the boys that would collect them, trade them, and play some game that I didn’t understand, nor did I want to. The cards are like gold. I’ve seen kids who steal them from each other or bully the younger kids into giving them their cards. It’s just plain ridiculous. They are cards…CARDS. Made of paper. Plus they have creepy creatures on them. If I had a collection of these devil cards in my room, I would be afraid they would attack me in the night.

I can’t even think about how much money has been spent on this game. He saves all his money to buy decks and booster packs that he will eventually trade away to his friends on the bus. Sometimes he even cries after he opens the packs because he didn’t get what he was hoping for. The drama. Now, he has even gotten both his sisters involved in this. They also have no idea what he is talking about, but the appeal of collecting creepy cards lures them in. Nothing leads to an all-out screaming match at our house than stolen Pokémon cards.

To me, this Pokémon jargon is another language…one that I simply don’t know if I can ever learn. If you want to feel like a box of rocks, just try talking to your kid about Pokémon characters and the rules of the game. Maybe I am just an idiot, but I can’t even decipher what he is saying. He’ll say “I got a Charizard EX upgrade and a Jigglypuff with destruction points.” What does that even mean? Is that good? He’ll come home from school grinning from ear to ear and say he got an Alakazam and all he had to do what trade a Diglett and a Blastoise for it. Super. What a deal…I think. Oh, and let’s not forget that these creepy things can evolve. From what I hear, that is a good thing. How does a card evolve?

I hate to say it, as I never want to be uninterested in what my children are talking to me about, but the minute he starts talking about this game, my eyes start to glaze over. I say a lot of “cool” or “Wow, that’s amazing”. It’s pretty much like torture having to listen to it. He even enjoys watching the dorks on You Tube who film themselves opening packs of Pokémon cards and explaining the features of each one. First, why would you ever record yourself doing that? Do you really not have anything better to do with your time? Second, why would you ever want to watch someone else opening packs of cards? How is that fun? I can’t even…I just THANK GOD I don’t have to actually play the game with him. That is the hubsters job (plus he secretly enjoys these dorky games).

So… bring on the drum set. The bright side…he hasn’t started Pokemon Go. I’m sure that will be next. Unfortunately, Pikachu lives on.

American Horror Story...My Life With a Toddler

It is almost Halloween! Scary movies, haunted houses, and ghosts, ghouls, and goblins are in full force. In the spirit of Halloween, I have been thinking about how my life with my toddler is much like a scene from a horror movie. As the mother of a feisty, red-headed three-year-old, I live some of the same horrifying scenarios every day as you would find in terrifying horror movies. We are stars of our very own American Horror Story.

Blood-Curdling Screams – A key component to all great horror movies are the blood-curdling scream scenes. At our house, they can be heard at all hours of the night…not because someone is getting chopped into little pieces, but because the toddler wants candy for dinner, the sprinkler got her wet, the cracker broke, or the dog is looking at her. I wonder what the neighbor’s think?

Mysterious Quiet – Just like in any horror movie, when it mysteriously gets a little too quiet, it is a sure sign that something scary is about to happen. Same thing happens at our house. When it is quiet someone is cutting their own hair, drawing all over themselves with permanent marker, or about to burn the house down. Simply terrifying.

Demon-Possessed Behavior– Having a toddler is much like living with a crazed demon. When they are mad they throw themselves to the ground, scream, thrash and flail their limbs, hit, bite, and contort their bodies into seemingly impossible positions. Oh, and don’t forget the surprise projectile vomiting. It is a scene straight from the Exorcist…only in the Target parking lot.

Eerie Toys – Creepy talking dolls, music that turns on all by itself at night, trains with creepy little faces…These things are everywhere. I think they are coming for us. Eeeeek!

Middle of the Night Awakenings – You know those creepy scenes in scary movies where people are startled awake only to find a ghost kid with a knife starring at them? Yeah…well it is kind of like that with my toddler (minus the knife...thank goodness). It is common for me to wake up with a frightening little red-head staring over me while I sleep. She just stares…doesn’t say anything. Scares the S*!t out of me!

Just like people love scary movies even though they are terrifying, we do love our (sometimes rotten) little toddlers. They make us scream, cry, and panic, but we adore them anyway! They are our funny, adorable little monsters.

Happy Halloween!

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What's on My Mind?

I’m a mom. I’m a wife. I work full-time…and like everyone, I have an awful lot on my mind. It is really easy to get  overwhelmed because I am spread way too thin. Most days, I run around like a chicken with my head cut off. It’s hard to explain all the things that I am thinking about at any given moment. My racing mind is a maze of thoughts, worries, and questions about everything ranging from kid problems to work drama to simple stuff like cleaning the bathroom. There is really no time to slow down. Ever.

So, you ask…What’s on my mind? Just a few things...

Is that my alarm? Shoot. How can it be time to get up already? I don’t think I slept at all. I don’t want to get up. What is that sound? Is that someone crying? No, now I don’t hear it. I better get in the shower. Crap, I need to shave today. Do I have time to straighten my hair? I can’t forget to get the kids’ lunch money. Did I sign that permission slip? I have to remember to do that when I get downstairs this morning. Oh, and I can’t forget to grab that bill I need to call on at work today. Man, I am so tired. I just can’t get up.

What’s that? Who is screaming now? What are they fighting about? It’s too early to fight. They want granola bars for breakfast? Can’t they just be quiet and eat? Speaking of granola bars, I need to buy milk. Why do we go through so much milk? Oh, I also need peanut butter. I can’t forget that. Now what are they fighting about? The usual…who gets to use the computer first. Of course. At least there is no blood…yet. I should just get rid of the stupid computer in the office. All it does is cause fighting. And that office...Why is it always such a disaster in there? It is full of toys, games, puzzle pieces, dolls, and food everywhere. It is actually not even an office. It is a messy toy room with ants. I really need to go through that dumb closet and get rid of half the stuff and organize it. I saw this shelf thing on Pinterest I would like to try. I wonder if I can make it myself? I wish I was a Pinterest mom. I never come up with cute things for the kids or creative meal options. I’m a failure. Meals…dinner. What in the world am I going to make for dinner tonight? We have sports so it has to be quick. Why can’t I be more organized with dinner planning? Organize. That reminds me that I need to clean out the kids’ bedroom closets and drawers. Change of seasons. And why do none of the socks have matches? Where do they go? How can I have 10 socks with no matches?

Agh…. Stupid dog keeps running around the bedroom, he must have to go outside. I should really get up and let him out before he decides to pee on the floor. I’m just so tired…Speaking of animals, that litter box is so full. I can’t forget to clean that out tonight. We also need dog food and he is due for his rabies vaccination. I better make that appointment. Appointments…shoot, the oldest is due for his 8-year checkup at the doctor. I guess I better make one for my annual as well. I wonder when I can fit that in.

OMG! Stop yelling…why can’t they just get dressed and find something to do? Why all the screaming? Oh crap...it is blue shirt day today at school. I hope his blue shirt is clean. Shoot.  I left that laundry in the wash last night. Now it is going to smell. I’ll have to rewash that.

What day is it? Tuesday…That's right, it is conferences tonight. I hope I wrote down what time. I can’t remember if it is at 6:30 or 7:30…Let’s see, what else do I have to do today? Return emails, check voicemail, do the banking…I wish I had more money. Are we ever going to get ahead in life? Is this what life is? Just working and paying bills until you die? What is the meaning of life? I wish we could go on vacation. Wouldn’t Disney World be awesome? Maybe someday. I wish I was better at saving money and more organized. How do other mom’s do it? Other mom’s plan vacations, stay home with their kids, and have a clean house. My house is such a shit hole all the time. I should really get up. It is getting late. The kids need to get on the bus. Well, I guess we will be running late as usual.  I forgot I need to stop and get gas on the way in to the office. Why do I always wait till the last minute? Just five more minutes…I am so tired.

So, what is on my mind? Everything. All that before I even get out of bed. I am already exhausted.

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Ultimate 2016 Christmas Gift Guide

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It’s almost Halloween. You know what that means…Christmas is just right around the corner! It’s never too early to get a jump start on the coolest holiday gifts for your kids! Don’t waste your money on the big, expensive toys this year. If you are looking for great ideas, look no further…these are HOT items.

Top 10 most popular “toys” for 2016 (for kids 2-8 years old)

1. Ziploc Bags – They are a must have this holiday season. Hours of enjoyment for your children by simply playing with plastic Ziploc bags. Kids can stuff random items in them such as, puzzle pieces, old food, or wrappers and scatter them all around the house. Moms and dads alike will find them everywhere …except in the drawer where they belong when making a cold lunch.

2. Cat Litter – This is a hot one! A litter box is just a giant indoor sandbox for your kids (except it is filled with pee and poop). They can use buckets, shovels or even Tupperware (see #4 below) to play with the “sand”. Another fun activity for kids of all ages is to sprinkle the litter throughout the house. There is nothing better for parents than to walk around barefoot and feel the small granules under your bare feet.

3. Dish rags – Another favorite this year are dish rags and hand towels. These can be strewn about the house and used for doll blankets (one for each baby in the house), laid out across the floor for stepping stones, they can get them wet and suck on them when they are thirsty, or even for Kleenex to wipe their noses. The possibilities really are endless. You can never have too many. Note to parents: You will never have one hanging up where it belongs. Ever.

4. Tupperware – Like dish rags, you can never have too many of these. These amazing little containers can hold random game pieces, cut up paper, rocks, or even small insects. Hours upon hours of enjoyment can be had with this simple, inexpensive, “toy”. This one is definitely at the top of Barrie’s shopping list!

5. Bathroom Garbage – This is essentially free and the really great thing is, you usually have at least two to three of them in your home. Each day is a new treasure hunt for the kids and they can find all sorts of special gems. Some examples of the “motherlode” treasure: chewed gum, banana peels, dirty Kleenex, used Q-tips (a favorite at our house), and empty bottles.

6. Rocks – This is a very versatile “toy” for this season as there are so many things that can be done with them. You can put them in Ziploc bags (See #1 above), Tupperware (See #4 above), or even stash a bunch of them in a bucket. My own kids have even painted them or colored them. Just be careful, they hurt when they are thrown at your head.

7. Post It Notes – Another cheap gift idea is a pack of post-it notes. Hours upon hours of fun can be had making one line or dot on them and then sticking them all over the house….or better yet, all over your body. Moms and Dads will be finding them in strange places for months. They even come in bright colors, one for each kid, so they don’t have to share. Nothings causes an all-out fist fight at our house like one kid using the other kid’s Post -Its. Multiple colors are a must.

8. Water – Water, like all of the top gifts this year, can be very inexpensive. Your little one can spend hours dumping water from one container to the next. Even toilet water can be fun at times. Kids can play Barbie’s, trucks, or whatever else they come up with right in your bathroom sink. Warning to parents: If your child suddenly disappears and you discover the bathroom door is locked, they may be dumping water all over the floor or filling multiple buckets with soapy water…it can get a bit messy.

9. Baby Wipes – You don’t want to miss out on this one. Kids can pull out each individual wipe and scatter them all over the house. They can “clean” furniture, floors, and even their own butts with them. Look out…they may try to clean their butts and then the furniture with the same wipe. Eek! Adult supervision is recommended.

10. Toilet Paper – Everyone is talking about toilet paper this year. The possibilities for play and imagination are endless. Roll out an entire roll around the house, rip it into a million little pieces, or even saturate it with water and throw it around the house (See #8 above). All of these provide enjoyment for children of all ages.

There you have it. These things won’t last long. Get a head start on your holiday shopping now!

Survival of the Fittest

Life as a mom is hectic…but you already know that because you have kids too! Between feeding them, bathing them, helping them with homework, my own full-time job, sports, and sleeping…there isn’t much time left. There are constant feelings of stress, guilt, and frustration. The bumps in the road, the challenges, and the never ending demands are overwhelming and endless. I am always in survival mode and its survival of the fittest.

Below is my mom survival list. My advice…Keep all of these items handy at all times. Whether it is for you or for your child…you’ll need all them!

• Coffee. Every. Single. Day. For me, it’s like gasoline. I don’t run without it. 
• Paper Towels…Rolls upon rolls of paper towels. There is ALWAYS a mess to be cleaned up.
• Kleenex – Keep them everywhere. There will be crying for the good, the bad, and the ugly. And the boogers…So many boogers. 
• Band Aids – Stash those bad boys everywhere. Even if they don’t have a cut, I’ve discovered that Band Aids can magically fix everything. You’re tired…Here’s a Band Aid; Your tummy hurts…Here’s a Band Aid. You have to go poop…Here’s a Band Aid.
• Wipes – Sticky fingers are inevitable. If there is something sticky to be found, they will find it. 
• Sleeping Pills – Unless you enjoy never sleeping through the night. Knock yourself out for a blissful 8 hours of sleep.
• Laughter – If you can’t do this, you are screwed! It’s a shit show. Sometimes literally.
• Corkscrew…for the Wine….lots and lots of wine.

Surviving motherhood is not something you can learn overnight. It is a life-long journey and we are all learning as we go. Good luck to you. Happy Mothering!

Lost in Translation

Communication…or should I say miscommunication. In my opinion, it is probably one of the most frustrating things. As adults, we all know those people who can never understand what you are saying, or they completely misunderstand what you were trying to communicate to them. They just stare at you as if you were speaking another language. Most of us have worked with that special someone that can’t seem to comprehend the simplest of tasks or instructions (which you have explained perfectly, of course). It’s just a fact of life that verbal misfires will happen. Everyone’s communication styles are different and it causes major frustration and friction at times.

The same can be said for communicating with our children.  I probably don’t have to tell you that Kids have their own definitions and interpretations of things moms and dads say…Or maybe it is just selective hearing or even flat out disobedience. Whatever it is, it seems that kids hear something completely different than the messages we, as parents, think we are relaying to them. Even on the simplest of things. It just shouldn’t be this difficult, should it? They are just simple requests. 

These are things that are clearly lost in translation at my house!

What Parent’s Say	What Kids Hear
Hurry	Move as slow as humanly possible and suddenly have the dire need to poop.
Stop	Keep doing exactly what you are currently doing.
Clean your room	Put a couple toys away (under the bed) and then make a bigger mess with all the toys you have just found while “cleaning”.
Come here	Don’t come here. Just stay right where you are.
Get dressed	Go upstairs and do everything except actually get dressed.
Get in the car	Go outside and run straight over to the neighbor’s house to see what is going on.
Let the dog outside	Stare at him while he pees on the carpet.
Be quiet	Bang on anything you can find and scream.
Eat	Cry and spit out what is in your mouth. Ask for a snack 10 minutes later.
Hang up your coat	Throw it on the floor 2 feet away from the hook.
Brush your teeth	Squeeze out the toothpaste and smear it all over the counter or eat it.
Close the fridge	Stand there and stare blankly into the fridge without a clue what you are looking for.
No	Probably not really no…It’s a “maybe”. Better ask 10,000 more times.
Get off the computer	Keep playing until your turn is up…even if it takes 10 more minutes.
Don’t tell your brother	Tell him right away…the second you walk in the door. In fact, yell it at the top of your lungs.

What communication issues have you had with your kids?

You Don't Say...

Scientists say the world is made up of Protons, Neutrons, Electrons, and MORONS. Okay…so maybe made up and added that last one. The older I get, the more and more I find this to be true. This thing they call “common sense” is definitely not common. Who came up with that name anyway? Probably one of the idiots.

When you are in college and a young adult, you don’t realize how stupid everyone is. Partially because you are doing stupid things yourself. But then…graduation comes and you find yourself working full time, many times in an office. This is where you will realize the truth about most people. I have met and worked with people that were painfully stupid. They were incapable of performing even the simplest of tasks…and yet they remained employed and received compensation. Hmmmm….you don’t say.

· Yes, doing your job is part of your job!

· No, I cannot “make” these black and white papers into color copies. I’m not a magic fairy.

· I’m sorry, I don’t know how you spell your middle name. You tell me. It’s your name.

· Thank you for this one-hour lesson on how to use a paper cutter. It was super.

· Sure, I can help you attach that document to an email…Ms. Vice President.

· The word is “Specific” not “Pacific” you idiot.

· Let’s NOT talk about your squats and protein shakes anymore.

· Ummmmm…I don’t think you can say “you’re busy until January.”

· Yes, please. I’d love to join the Christmas Party Committee and have three meetings a week for two months to plan it. That sounds like a great use of everyone’s time.

· What? Not everyone works out for six hours a day while at work? Huh.

· Wait…you’re telling me that can’t go shopping at Pottery Barn and buy stuff on the company credit card?

· Yes, we do need to have a company website…it is 2016 not 1983.

· Sure…I can write your daughter’s graduation thank you notes. I’ll be sure to mail them promptly.

· Don’t plug in a heater at your desk…it will suck power away from your printer…says the IT guy.

· No, you can’t drive a vehicle marked with a large company logo and flick people off. It’s bad for the reputation.

· The size of the font on your name on the phone list is NOT a direct reflection of your status in the company.

· You are really well-educated in the stuff that you made up.

· Yes! Let’s do it the dumbest way possible. I love spinning my wheels and wasting time.

I’ve learned that you can’t change it. There are idiots everywhere. So, all we can do is embrace it. Cheers to the folks that bring us joy with their stupidity. Dumbasses everywhere…we thank you.

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I'M ON THE PHONE!

It is a scientific fact that when a mom gets on the phone, all hell breaks loose in the house. It never fails. The kids will be playing quietly, completely engrossed in what they are doing…BAM. The second I pick up the phone, the shit storm starts. They all must immediately compete against each other to see who can be the loudest and get into the most trouble while mom is trying to do something important. When mom picks up the phone, it is the perfect time to scream, poop, cry, punch, vomit, bleed, discuss things, ask questions…and anything else that crosses their little minds.

The science proved true for me just the other night. I had to make an important phone call to get some customer support on an electronic device I had recently purchased. I was (and still am) beyond frustrated this new device wasn’t working properly, and then I got to have even more fun and call a customer service agent. Obviously, this is exactly what I wanted to do for the evening. I figured it was going to be a lengthy call, so I made sure that all the kids were occupied so that I could quietly sneak away and take care of it. The girls had just gotten into the bathtub, and were happily splashing and playing with Barbie’s and the oldest was outside with his friends. My husband was downstairs so he could keep an eye on the girls…This was my chance. All I needed was 15 minutes, or so I thought.

At first, it was fine. I told the customer service agent what the problem was and she began to troubleshoot the issue with me. I maybe made it 15 minutes without interruptions, then the inevitable happened. Shit hit the fan. Shocker. The oldest found me and entered the room. He was wondering where I was. If I am not within sight and sound, they get really nervous that I am gone forever. Phew…He saw that I was safe and just on the phone, but he really needed to talk about who gets the money for the garbage truck toys we were selling on Craig’s List. Ummmm…we’ll chat later. Do you see the phone up to my ear? That is because I am talking to someone. In his mind, while I was on the phone seemed like the perfect time for this discussion. He just had to know. I told him we would talk later and when he opened the door to leave, that is when I heard the chanting. Yes, chanting. The girls needed me for something so why not chant Momm-Y, Momm-Y….over and over. That is the best way to get mom’s attention. The oldest then came back in the room to tell me that they had dumped out the entire bottle of shampoo into the water to make more bubbles and now wanted to get out. Really? When I am not on the phone you want to stay in the bath all night. Why suddenly now is it the “quick bath” that I had always dreamed of? And where was my husband? Can he not hear the chanting? I found him downstairs and told him to get the girls out of the bath and clean up the soap.

By this time, I had moved myself into the office, in search of a quiet place to finish the conversation. The call just wouldn’t end….Please, just send me a new one already! I don’t have time for this. That’s when the trucks came zooming by…the three-year-old had found the big garbage trucks that we were selling and decided to push them around and around on the wood floor. If you are not familiar with the thunderous sound of Tonka trucks speeding around on a wood floor, it is deafening. I could barely hear the lady on the phone even with the door closed. Then she spotted me. She burst through the door yelling, “Mom, what are you doing?” Ugh… The poor customer service agent didn’t know what to do. I’m pretty surprised that she didn’t hang up on me!

At this point I am really angry. Where is my husband? Can’t he hear all the commotion? Finally, he comes in, gets the youngest and shuts the door. Thirty minutes and 10 interruptions later, I am finally done on the phone (with no solution to my issue, by the way). I exited the office and could hear the youngest screaming “Mom! It’s poop! It’s Poop!” That is never a good thing. What now? I was afraid to look. I looked downstairs and there I found her sitting on the floor playing in the cat litter box like a sandbox. She had used the removable bucket from her potty chair and filled it with cat litter. To her it was just like playing in the sand at the beach…only it was peed on cat litter. She had dug down so far, she found the cat poop treasure! Super. I went down to get her out and I discovered that she had also taken the bucket of cat litter and sprinkled it all over the basement floor. How could all this happen in such a short amount of time?

The lesson that I have learned from this debacle is that I just cannot be away from the house or children. Ever. And I am certainly not allowed to be on the phone. I’m not sure what I was thinking.

 

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Guess What? You Can Do It Too!

I’m beginning to think that I must be truly amazing. Or perhaps I have some unheard of super powers that the rest of my family wasn’t lucky enough to be born with. Why do I feel this way? Well, it is simply because I seem to be the only person in our house that can do so many simple tasks…well, maybe I should say “will” do. These tasks seem so easy, yet they are clearly impossible for the rest of the family. Therefore, I use my superhuman powers to pick up the slack for the rest of the family. 

I can...

Throw away wrappers. I find them everywhere. On the counter, under the bed, in the couch cushions, and the favorite spot to stash them, on the floor one foot away from the actual garbage can.

Hang up the hand towel. No matter if it is the kitchen or the bathroom, the hand towel is always on the floor. Why? How hard is it to hang it up? Apparently, very, very hard. I can’t even count the amount of times that I find them on the floor. My youngest also insists on playing with all the clean hand towels and washcloths. Forget toys, towels are way better.

Poor a glass of milk. Yes, I am truly amazing. I am the ONLY one in our house that can get a glass of anything for anyone. Even when dad is in the room 2 feet away, they will walk all the way upstairs to ask me to get them a glass of milk. Do they not see Dad? Perhaps his superpower is being invisible.

Answer questions. It is wonderful that you think I know everything, I do, but Dad knows stuff too. Really.

Find anything. The Kids (and dad) will search and search for the important item of the minute… “Mom, where is it? I’ve looked everywhere.” Miraculously, I find it right where it belongs. Every time. Nothing is truly lost until Mom can’t find it.

See messes. Most of my family is completely oblivious to the vast array of crap strewn about all over the house. They just step over it or around it or even push it aside and carry on to their destination. Do they not see it?

You have all done a wonderful job of making me feel needed and important every single day. I love you all dearly, but I know I am not the only one that can do these things. Give it a whirl, kids. You can do it too!

I'm Still An Asshole

You would think I would have learned my lesson. Nope. The only lesson that I learned is that I must be a REALLY annoying mom…and a really big Asshole. Here are 20 more reasons that I am STILL an asshole according to my three lovely children.

1. I wipe their noses when they have a green stream of snot running down them. I guess they would rather eat it.

2. I explain their homework to them all wrong...That's not the way their teacher taught them.

3. Dinner time wasn’t convenient for the gaming. Sorry I made you dinner when you were right in the middle of the most epic Pokémon battle of all time.

4. I insist they use a napkin instead of their shirt when eating dinner. I know...I'm asking a lot.

5. I buy all the wrong snacks. I’m an idiot.

6. Look at them wrong.

7. I ordered pizza for dinner and I didn’t get the kind cut in squares. They hate triangle pizza. Asshole.

8. I got frustrated when the three-year-old played in the litter box like it was a sandbox and then sprinkled cat litter all over the basement. Should I have been elated?

9. I won’t let them eat chips before dinner...Even when they promise they will still eat their dinner. I'm not that stupid!

10. I wake them up. (Okay fine…I’ll give them this one. I hate getting up also).

11. I took them out for ice cream but the milkshake sucked because I took them to the WORST ice cream place ever. First – Milkshakes never suck. Second – say thank you.

12. I told the three-year-old no to wearing a size 7 Easter dress as her pajamas.

13. I won’t let them throw rocks at cars passing by. Meanest mom ever.

14. I said no to excessively dumping pepper on her eggs.

15. I didn’t show her the poop in her diaper after I changed it. She wanted to check out her load. Why? I have no idea.

16. I wouldn’t let them melt butter and add to the “Movie Theater Butter” popcorn we had for a snack.

17. Her shoelaces are too short to tie. I’m such an asshole.

18. I said she couldn’t keep a “cute” ant in a Tupperware bowl when I was trying to get everyone out the door.

19. The On Demand movie doesn’t start fast enough. It’s my fault there are too many commercials.

20. I stop at red lights. All I hear from the backseat is “Gooooooooooo”.

There you have it.  Proof that I am still an asshole.

Check out my original post "Why I'm an Asshole...According to my Kids" 

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Shit Ass Tuesday

Dear Tuesday,

I hate you. More than you will ever understand. Surprised? I bet you thought that I was going to say Monday I hate you. Nope. It’s you, Tuesday. Poor Monday gets a bad rap because it is the start of the work week after a long weekend. No one likes to get up early and start back to the realities of work, school, and life. Although Monday is the beginning of a new week, at least people still have the glorious memories from the weekend to look back on and chat about. Please don't get too excited, Monday, I definitely don't love you. But Tuesday, you are undoubtedly, without question the WORST day of the week. Plain and simple. You are the day that my tiredness catches up to me. You are the day that feels so far, far away from the weekend. You are a day with nothing to offer but frustration, annoyances, and tears. Over my years of working, I have discovered that anything that could go wrong, usually does on a Tuesday. Therefore, you will forever be known to me as "Shit Ass Tuesday" (SAT) . You have never failed to bring me misery when you strike every single week in all your glory.

So, Monday, I apologize for all the grief you have gotten over the years. You are not really that bad. Tuesday, you are a little bitch. You are the worst day of the week.

Sincerely,

Tuesday-hater

Old Age and Fat Pants..."F" You

Get ready old age and fat pants, here I come! I’m now 37 years old…going on dead. Aging sucks. Getting fat sucks. Not only are the physical ailments mounting every day, but the weight gain, acne, wrinkles, hot flashes, grey hair, dry skin, and stray chin hairs are becoming far too common. As I near the end of my thirties, it seems that my body has stopped growing at both ends, but continues to grow in the middle. Go away flab, you are not welcome here.

It all changes so quickly. One day you’re a young, vibrant, 20-something in your prime. Then in the blink of an eye. BAM…Old age slaps you in the face. At first I thought, It’s not so bad, I’m just tired, but since it’s been about 8 years now, I guess this is just how I look. I am pretty sure it is just going to keep getting worse from here on out. Joy. Here are some other reasons I know I am getting old.

• Is it me, or is LATE getting earlier now?
• I’ve heard teenagers describe me as middle-aged.
• I’ve developed jowls.
• I can pee and sneeze at the same time. That’s talent.
• The definition of “old” keeps getting older and older. 40 is the new 30…or so I’ve heard.
• I frequently hear really good music at the grocery store.
• I honestly forget how old I am. That’s a problem.
• My doctors are younger than me now.
• I grunt when I try to get up off the floor.
• My kids ask me why my legs jiggle when I walk.
• Trips to Walgreen’s for antacid and hair dye are far too common.

I feel that shoes with good arch support, depends, and maybe even a sweatshirt with embroidered bunnies and flowers are not so far away anymore. So, elastic-wasted fat pants, welcome home. At least I’ll be comfortable. Life goes by so quickly. Somehow I made it this far, so I’ll keep on truckin'…wrinkles, grey hair, fat pants and all.  

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