Jul 14, 2016

Don't Be a Turd...You're Not That Special!

People can either make your day or make you wish you lived in the middle of nowhere…alone. For me, the worst type of people to be around are turds; entitled, arrogant assholes that think they are special. Entitlement. This just drives me completely insane.
In essence, it is the belief that you are the center of the universe, and if the universe doesn't meet your needs and desires, all hell will break loose or it will simply end. I have encountered so many entitled, arrogant, people over the years. Why are there so many a-holes who feel they are superior to others, especially in upper management positions? Maybe I deal with an abnormal amount of turds because of my chosen profession. I am in an office support role, and the people that need the most handholding and ass wiping are typically the same dill weeds who think that they are smarter and better than you. But yet, they can’t seem do a damn thing without you. I have worked for some real bossholes (boss assholes) over the years and met true narcissists who believe that because they have money or own a company, they are untouchable. These jokers demand respect and demand that everyone to cater to their every whim, no matter how ludicrous the request is (and man, some of the requests I have heard are real doozys). An example that comes to mind was when someone I used to work for came to me and asked me how to spell HIS middle name. Um…. shouldn’t you know that? It’s your name. And what makes you think I know how to spell it? Perhaps your driver’s license would be a great place to look. In case that is confusing to you, it can probably be found in your wallet, which is most likely in your pants pocket. Is this type of behavior just pure stupidity? Is it being a helpless arrogant asshole? Or maybe it is simply feeling special and that your privileged brain can’t be bothered with basic information like your middle name. I don’t even know. But it really has me thinking about “special” people.

Typically, when you think of a narcissist, an obnoxious, offensive, and obdurate person comes to mind. Like a frat boy, or body builder, a typical turd. But that is not always the case. I have met and worked for people that present themselves as attractive, appealing, even amazing folks at times. It’s not until you truly get to know them that you suddenly realize: It’s always about them. They are the center of the universe and so much smarter than the rest of the world. Bossholes, assholes, and turds alike, they all just want to be stroked and told how wonderful they are…and stare at their beautiful faces in the mirror.

I am disgusted by some of the completely unnecessary expensive purchases and expensive vacations some take to make themselves feel like they are VIPs. I know people that donate huge amounts of money to charities, benefits, and political campaigns, not because they truly believe in the cause, but because they receive recognition and status from doing so. It feeds their egos to be invited to political candidate’s fancy parties and spend time schmoozing with the wealthy business leaders, and special high-class community. They have an immense need to be surrounded by people that tell them what they want to hear whether it is accurate or not.  It is an addiction to them, like crack. They are addicted to themselves.

In light of my extensive experience and careful observation of remarkably “special” and important people over the last decade, I have complied a list of things you can do that will make people see you as an entitled, arrogant, A+ certified turd. If any of these describe you, perhaps you may want to think twice about how you are presenting yourself to others. That is…if you even realize that any of these things are describing you!

·         Visit Starbucks no less than three times a day. Melt down if the barista messes up your Venti White Chocolate Mocha with exactly 2.713465 shots of vanilla, organic whipped cream, and organic skim milk. Oh, and be sure to ask it to be heated it to the exact temperature of 198.62 degrees.

·         Become a member of multiple high-society country clubs, golf clubs, food clubs, hunting clubs, and/or fancy secret societies.
·         Attend all presentations, panel discussions, or lectures and ask long-winded “questions” that actually have absolutely nothing to do with what the person was discussing. That will showcase how smart you really are. Then feel proud at the end of your ramble.

·         Sign all your emails with “cheers” or “best”.

·         Park in the handicapped parking space whenever possible because it is actually for handicapped people plus you because your time is so valuable you can’t walk the extra 20 feet to the door. Or even better, park crooked in the handicapped space so that no one can park next to your expensive car.

·         Carry a bag or briefcase from a designer store as your everyday tote. Pull your organic vegan salad and bottled water (from the south of France bottled by chanting monks) up out of that bitch like a boss.

·         Shit on everyone’s parade and suck the joy out of their happiness whenever possible. If you are also a boss hole, make sure to stifle their growth within the company and tell them over and over again that they are replaceable.

·         Get a personal assistant, lover, public relations spokesperson, and chauffeur. I wonder…if a bosshole didn’t have the high power position/money/status, would he even be able to answer the phone, make appointments, know his own middle name, talk to the press, or drive himself anywhere? Nope. I don’t he would.

·         Name drop. Name dropping is so pretentious. It’s like saying, I’m so fabulous! Just look at all the high-class, important people I know.  Example: say you have a friend at the White House, Prince is your dad, you own a Ferrari, have your own diamond mine, or have a beach house in Bora Bora... you get the idea.

·         Hate all popular music. Tell people you only listen to “indie rock” bands that only 73.5 people in the world have ever heard of. Explain that it is so advanced an average person just won’t even be able to understand its depth. If you really want to be a douche, shed a single tear to let them know you “feel” the music.

·         Take selfies in ridiculously stupid poses such as looking far off into the distance, inquisitively stroking your goatee, or sporting an absolutely stunning smile (according to your online followers). Make sure you edit the picture to black-and-white so you seem artsy, then use it as your Facebook profile picture and repeat weekly.

·         Call your company IT staff in the middle of the night if your karaoke machine breaks; especially if it is a holiday. You can’t have your high-class, rich friends not be able to do the YMCA on New Year’s Eve. How embarrassing. Makes more sense to pull the company IT guys away from their family on a holiday so they can come over in the middle of the night to fix it.

·         Be sure to give unsolicited advice to everyone whenever possible. Especially people that are more accomplished or an expert in an area you know nothing about. Oh wait…there is no one more accomplished or no one who knows more than you. My apologies.

·         Go paddle boarding. It’s the new, trendy thing to do. Be sure to take multiple photos of your muscular physique and post them on all social media sites. Also, transport that expensive paddle board on the top of your Range Rover.

·         Wax all the hair from your body, get professional manicures, and have a three-step skin care routine. Tanning until you are orange is acceptable too.

·         Check out your appearance in anything and everything that gives off a reflection of your glorious, tight, chemical peeled face.

·         Throw toddler-like tantrums whenever things at work don’t go your way. Example:  Only an A+ asshole will wig out if the font on their name is smaller and not as “cute” as the font on someone else’s name on the company phone list. If that happens, flip out and cry for sure because it offended your misplaced sense of entitlement.

·         Speak in an accent. Everything just sounds way more important and bad ass in an accent.

·         Never say thank you. Ever. Better yet, don’t say please either.

·         Never apologize when you’re wrong…because you never are. Apologizing is for SISSIES.

 So…, all you TURDS, stop being an asshole. It’s unnecessary.

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