Where's Daddy? Mommy Needs A Drink

Mommy is out of order!

Disorganized. Bewildered. Berserk. Three words that describe the new me. I never thought I would say this…but it has happened. I have heard that 7 out of 10 people are stupid. I think I now fall into that category. I have traded in any functioning brain cells I once had for three beautiful children. Sanity is a small price to pay for happy, healthy children, right? Although I love them dearly, it would be nice to think clearly again. Maybe someday??

I know there has been some actual scientific research done that proves that there really are hormonal changes that happen that can affect brain function later in life. Spend one day with me, and you will know that whatever those changes are, it has definitely affected my brain. “Mommy brain” is the cutesy, not so offensive way to say “bat shit crazy.” Guess what? There is nothing cutesy about the fact that I’ve completely lost my mind. I was once an organized, smart, on-time person. Since I have had my three kids, my brain has turned into mush. Balancing life was hard enough when I had brain cells, but now that my brain is foggy and scattered…it is just that much harder. The seemingly easy, mundane tasks all add up to something that is, really much more difficult than it seems. Change a diaper, get the baby dressed, make a lunch, read a story, go to the park, run an errand. Definitely not rocket science. There are people that perform brain surgery on children, build machines that travel to outer space. Getting the kids to swim lessons on time… come on. It shouldn’t be this difficult. Then why does it feel like it is? It is the exhaustion, the chaos, the doubts, the “everyone else is doing it better than me” thoughts all that in addition to ensuring the kids are fed, dressed, healthy, happy…. No wonder I can’t remember where I left my keys, the names of people I see on a daily basis, what upcoming appointments I have scheduled, when my bills are due, or why I just walked into this room. I can barely finish sentences let alone carry on an entire conversation with someone. Who can remember anything when you are interrupted 5,000 times by talking, screaming, bleeding and/or vomiting? It never fails…every time I’m in the middle of an email, preparing dinner, on the phone, in the bathroom, or sit down for the first time since 7:00 am… it’s “mom can I have a snack?” “Mom where are you?” “Mom I’m bleeding…”

Now, reading this probably makes me sound like I am an epic flop if changing a diaper overwhelms me. But before you judge me, let me reassure you that my children are completely safe, healthy, and generally happy. I have never accidentally abandoned any of them anywhere, they have never gone hungry (for too long anyway J), and they have never been left alone to fend for themselves. Truthfully, I think it is my constant attention to them that I can no longer think clearly about anything other than their massive tiny-person needs.

Motherhood is hands down the most challenging job I have ever had. Every day I am completely consumed with parenting, teaching, cooking, bathing, protecting, caring for, and loving my crazy, adorable little freaks. A typical night consists of picking up the kids and getting them home, trying my best to get dinner cooked (usually something frozen) before the first after-school activity, cleaning up the spilled milk that was just dumped on the rug, cleaning up the dog poop/vomit on the floor (fricking dog), answering homework questions, finding lost blankets and baby bears, bribing the youngest to go potty and convincing her she can’t stand up to pee, chasing her down trying to get her pants back on, oops…baby bear and blanket are lost again; gotta search all over again…Crap! Now dinner is boiling over…Yikes! You get the picture. It simply never ends. I’m not complaining…well maybe I am a little. I am just stating that there is no way to do it all without things slipping my mind…usually important things like:

* 2nd grade slipper day. Man was I an asshole for forgetting about that. I ruined his life at the young age of 8. It’s totally ruined. He was the only kid in class without slippers and everyone made fun of him. Great. Now he is going to need therapy for my lack of organization.

* Or, when the Tooth Fairy forgot to come (multiple times). When she does actually make a timely appearance, I usually “borrow” the cash from one child to pay the other. By far…THE WORST TOOTH FAIRY EVER!

* One time I drove to the center to pick up my kids like I always do. I was on auto pilot. I didn’t remember that it was Thursday, the day that my mom watches my youngest. Again, like a total asshat, I show up at the center looking for my toddler. The teachers thought I was joking when I walked into the room asking where she was. Nope. I really wish I was joking. It’s just my exhausted, overloaded brain again.

* Or like the time I tried to change clothes quick before yet another gourmet pizza dinner was delivered to my doorstep. Doorbell rings and I get the food. As I walked by the mirror on my way to the kitchen, I realized that my royal blue tank top was on backwards and inside out. That’s classy. I answered the door like that! Figures. You get the picture…I’ve lost my mind…and the kids took it.

Having children has definitely given me a sense of fulfillment, given my life more meaning, and brought joy I didn’t know existed. I love my children dearly. I love taking care of them and watching them learn and grow. But…the truth is, this parenting thing has turned me Bat. Shit. Crazy.