Poop. There it is

Dear fellow office workers,

This is serious. Perhaps you are new to an office situation and don’t completely understand the proper work bathroom etiquette. As a clean toilet lover, I feel it is my public service and duty to assist you on how to use a shared bathroom. I have encountered far too many disgusting things in the restrooms while at work over the years. This is completely unnecessary. If everyone is informed of the proper bathroom rules, we can all have a much more pleasant bathroom experience.

Generally speaking, it is encouraged to do your #2 business in the privacy of your own home, if possible. But, sometimes the work poop is inevitable. Here are some helpful tips and guidelines for dumping at work, whether out of choice, or in an emergency situation.

Pooping Shoes. Many folks feel embarrassed when the need to poop at work arises. But when nature calls….you do what you have to do (or poo where you have to poo). If you are unable to leave and head to the nearest gas station or coffee shop, “Pooping Shoes” are something you may want to consider. Pooping shoes are second pair of special shoes kept under your desk specifically for pooping at work. Change into them seconds before entering the communal bathroom. This will ensure that people won’t be able to identify you by the sight of your shoes under the stall and know it is you taking that massive dump. Do your business (following the etiquette steps below) then return to your desk and quickly change back into your “street” shoes. Presto! Incognito pooping! No one will never know it is you. The key is to not let anyone know about the secret pooping shoes, they need to remain unnoticed. Once people recognize that they are your shoes, the jig is up.

Stall Selection. When you first walk into the bathroom whether you have to do #1, #2, or both, make sure you don’t select a stall right next to another person. Should poop be in your future, no one wants to smell it, nor do you want to smell theirs. Pick a stall with a minimum of one (1) empty stall between you. This will help with any lingering smells. Chances are the person already in the stall may be mid-poop. Privacy is appreciated by all.

Flushing. Flushing the toilet after you are done is essential (either dumping or peeing). I always thought this was common sense, however, based on the things I have come across it is clearly not. I have walked into far too many bathroom stalls and come across a stank, disgusting mess. No one has time for that. No one wants to see that. Just flush. The flusher is the little silver (sometimes white) handle located on the side of the toilet. When you push the lever down, water flows and flushes your poo away. It’s amazing. Occasionally, you may have to flush more than one time to get everything down. Know that this is OK to do. In fact, it is encouraged. Please, flush as many times as it takes to ensure you don’t leave a brown surprise for the next person. Also, it is very important that you check the toilet before you leave the stall. Even if you flush twice, you can’t assume that everything went down. If you see any remnants in the bowl, flush again. It is perfectly acceptable to flush as many times as necessary. I have provided below a sample of a sign that can be hung the problem stalls as a gentle reminder.

Toilet Seats. Make sure you leave the toilet seat clean and free of pee, hair, poop, blood, or any other bodily fluid. Again, I truly thought it was common courtesy to make sure you don’t leave the seat littered with any debris, but, it seems that not everyone is on the same page. Communication is key, so here you go. A quick and easy way to keep the seat clean is to stand up after you are finished, turn around, and then look down at the seat. If you see anything on the seat (i.e. hair, pee, etc.), use a piece of toilet paper and wipe it off the seat and throw it into the bowl. It is important to remember you should then re-flush the toilet per the first step to ensure you are not leaving anything for the next user. Again, I have included a possible sign you can hang in the stalls to help depict this step.

Handwashing. Now in order to prevent the spread of germs and getting poop on things outside the bathroom, it is essential that you wash your hands after using the toilet. This doesn’t mean just a quick fingertip rise in cold water. Gross. This means use soap AND water. There is nothing worse than seeing the CFO leave the bathroom without washing their hands. I have people do this many times and I end up spending the entire day thinking about their putrid, poop-infested hands touching everything in the office. Don’t let that be you. Washing is simple. Put a squirt of soap in your hands, lather it up, rub your hands together for 30 seconds, and rinse completely. Easy peasy. (please note: Poop particles and germs are everywhere in a bathroom. Don’t be an asshole and think that because you didn’t physically touch your butt that there is no poop there). Ideally, your sink will have an auto start faucet. This is the most sanitary, so you don’t have to touch the poop faucet again after you wash. Should this not be the case, you can also leave the water running, dry your hands, and then use the paper towel to turn off the faucet when finished.

Following these simple steps can make for a much friendlier work bathroom environment. Our butts have all touched the same seats. We are a team. Let’s all work together so that each and every one of us can have a pleasant communal toilet experience.

Sincerely,

Clean toilet lover