Oct 10, 2016


It is a scientific fact that when a mom gets on the phone, all hell breaks loose in the house. It never fails. The kids will be playing quietly, completely engrossed in what they are doing…BAM. The second I pick up the phone, the shit storm starts. They all must immediately compete against each other to see who can be the loudest and get into the most trouble while mom is trying to do something important. When mom picks up the phone, it is the perfect time to scream, poop, cry, punch, vomit, bleed, discuss things, ask questions…and anything else that crosses their little minds.

The science proved true for me just the other night. I had to make an important phone call to get some customer support on an electronic device I had recently purchased. I was (and still am) beyond frustrated this new device wasn’t working properly, and then I got to have even more fun and call a customer service agent. Obviously, this is exactly what I wanted to do for the evening. I figured it was going to be a lengthy call, so I made sure that all the kids were occupied so that I could quietly sneak away and take care of it. The girls had just gotten into the bathtub, and were happily splashing and playing with Barbie’s and the oldest was outside with his friends. My husband was downstairs so he could keep an eye on the girls…This was my chance. All I needed was 15 minutes, or so I thought.

At first, it was fine. I told the customer service agent what the problem was and she began to troubleshoot the issue with me. I maybe made it 15 minutes without interruptions, then the inevitable happened. Shit hit the fan. Shocker. The oldest found me and entered the room. He was wondering where I was. If I am not within sight and sound, they get really nervous that I am gone forever. Phew…He saw that I was safe and just on the phone, but he really needed to talk about who gets the money for the garbage truck toys we were selling on Craig’s List. Ummmm…we’ll chat later. Do you see the phone up to my ear? That is because I am talking to someone. In his mind, while I was on the phone seemed like the perfect time for this discussion. He just had to know. I told him we would talk later and when he opened the door to leave, that is when I heard the chanting. Yes, chanting. The girls needed me for something so why not chant Momm-Y, Momm-Y….over and over. That is the best way to get mom’s attention. The oldest then came back in the room to tell me that they had dumped out the entire bottle of shampoo into the water to make more bubbles and now wanted to get out. Really? When I am not on the phone you want to stay in the bath all night. Why suddenly now is it the “quick bath” that I had always dreamed of? And where was my husband? Can he not hear the chanting? I found him downstairs and told him to get the girls out of the bath and clean up the soap.

By this time, I had moved myself into the office, in search of a quiet place to finish the conversation. The call just wouldn’t end….Please, just send me a new one already! I don’t have time for this. That’s when the trucks came zooming by…the three-year-old had found the big garbage trucks that we were selling and decided to push them around and around on the wood floor. If you are not familiar with the thunderous sound of Tonka trucks speeding around on a wood floor, it is deafening. I could barely hear the lady on the phone even with the door closed. Then she spotted me. She burst through the door yelling, “Mom, what are you doing?” Ugh… The poor customer service agent didn’t know what to do. I’m pretty surprised that she didn’t hang up on me!

At this point I am really angry. Where is my husband? Can’t he hear all the commotion? Finally, he comes in, gets the youngest and shuts the door. Thirty minutes and 10 interruptions later, I am finally done on the phone (with no solution to my issue, by the way). I exited the office and could hear the youngest screaming “Mom! It’s poop! It’s Poop!” That is never a good thing. What now? I was afraid to look. I looked downstairs and there I found her sitting on the floor playing in the cat litter box like a sandbox. She had used the removable bucket from her potty chair and filled it with cat litter. To her it was just like playing in the sand at the beach…only it was peed on cat litter. She had dug down so far, she found the cat poop treasure! Super. I went down to get her out and I discovered that she had also taken the bucket of cat litter and sprinkled it all over the basement floor. How could all this happen in such a short amount of time?

The lesson that I have learned from this debacle is that I just cannot be away from the house or children. Ever. And I am certainly not allowed to be on the phone. I’m not sure what I was thinking.


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