Worst Christmas Gifts EVER

The holidays are a time for coming together, celebrating, eating, and enjoying the company of your friends and family. What could be better than that? Oh, right…the presents. When it comes to Christmas gifts, it’s the thought that counts, everyone knows that, right? 

As a parent, there are certain things I don’t want my kids to have. I think every parent has their own list of things they DON’T want you to get for their kids. You know, the usual things like drum sets, Playdoh, slime, electric guitars with amps, items covered in lead-based paint, games with trachea-sized pieces, and so on. While the actual nightmare gift varies from parent to parent, it seems inevitable that your kid will get a toy that you don’t approve of over the course of their childhood. 

Like most parents, I strive to create and maintain a safe lifestyle for my children...and keep myself sane. There are certain things that I just don’t want my kids to have. Here are some things you should NEVER give to kids, especially mine. Under no circumstances. 

• A pet cobra…as in the snakes. They are poisonous and deadly.
• The entire series of the TV Show Jessie. The theme song alone might kill me. Well really, any of the Disney Channel shows in their entirety. 
• Nail guns. They are not for kids. 
• Hamsters, gerbils, or rodents of any kind. No thank you. 
• Bleach. Kids and bleach just don’t mix. 
• Fun Dip. Dipping sugar sticks in pure sugar is never a good idea. They already have sugar highs this time of year. I beg you…don’t do it!
• Plastic Bags and duct tape. Suffocation is real. It’s not a game. 
• A box of those little “do not eat” packets you find in shoes. I don’t know what happens if you actually eat them, but I don’t want to find out.
• Anything with PlayDoh, slime, or putty. That shit always ends up all over the house or stuck in hair. 
• A machete. They can cut people…and their siblings.
• Shards of broken glass. These can cut kids and parents. 

Please, you want to make sure your gifts elicit squeals of delight, not screams of pain and terror…from the kids or from me!

Merry Christmas!