Old Age and Fat Pants..."F" You

Get ready old age and fat pants, here I come! I’m now 37 years old…going on dead. Aging sucks. Getting fat sucks. Not only are the physical ailments mounting every day, but the weight gain, acne, wrinkles, hot flashes, grey hair, dry skin, and stray chin hairs are becoming far too common. As I near the end of my thirties, it seems that my body has stopped growing at both ends, but continues to grow in the middle. Go away flab, you are not welcome here.

It all changes so quickly. One day you’re a young, vibrant, 20-something in your prime. Then in the blink of an eye. BAM…Old age slaps you in the face. At first I thought, It’s not so bad, I’m just tired, but since it’s been about 8 years now, I guess this is just how I look. I am pretty sure it is just going to keep getting worse from here on out. Joy. Here are some other reasons I know I am getting old.

• Is it me, or is LATE getting earlier now?
• I’ve heard teenagers describe me as middle-aged.
• I’ve developed jowls.
• I can pee and sneeze at the same time. That’s talent.
• The definition of “old” keeps getting older and older. 40 is the new 30…or so I’ve heard.
• I frequently hear really good music at the grocery store.
• I honestly forget how old I am. That’s a problem.
• My doctors are younger than me now.
• I grunt when I try to get up off the floor.
• My kids ask me why my legs jiggle when I walk.
• Trips to Walgreen’s for antacid and hair dye are far too common.

I feel that shoes with good arch support, depends, and maybe even a sweatshirt with embroidered bunnies and flowers are not so far away anymore. So, elastic-wasted fat pants, welcome home. At least I’ll be comfortable. Life goes by so quickly. Somehow I made it this far, so I’ll keep on truckin'…wrinkles, grey hair, fat pants and all.  

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