Stupid Things I Said Before I Had Kids

I remember it like it was yesterday. How I thought I knew everything about kids before I actually had kids. Remember when you used to think that you would be a better parent than all those yahoos you saw at restaurants or stores with the screaming kids? Surely you would do a far better job as a parent than them. They must all be total idiots.

The good old, pre-kid days…the days when you didn’t have to worry about anyone but yourself. The days when you lived in the whimsical world where you judged everyone else on something you knew absolutely nothing about. You just sat there on your high horse and made faces and comments and vowed to yourself that you would NEVER be that mom, or NEVER let your kids act that way. In your mind, things would be different for you, for your kids. Those perfect little specimens of humanity would never act like that. Your precious peanuts would never throw fits in public or be disrespectful. Your kids…well, they would be amazing, in every way. 

While I do think my children are amazing, they are definitely not the perfect angels I once hoped they would be. Those screaming, dirty, angry little freaks whose behavior I once cringed at are now my own little rug rats. They misbehave, throw fits, cry, and sometimes even talk back. I confess. I am not the perfect mother with the perfectly behaved children I once thought I would be. 

I was a total idiot when I thought things would be different for me. It is the same for all moms…kids are hard. Here are some of the dumb ass things I thought and said before I had my own children. 

When we have kids, they can eat what I make or go hungry! – As I make 4 different meals Every. Single. Night. 

My kids will never throw fits like that - What was I thinking? Now, I enjoy watching as they thrash about on the floor in the middle of Target. Judge away non-parents. Judge away.

My kid will never be the mean “kid” – That’s a load of crap. All kids are mean and will behave like brats sometimes. It’s inevitable. 

Sleep when the baby sleeps – Great idea! The chores will do themselves and the other kids, they don’t need food or attention. I’m going to nap.

Crappy food will not be allowed – Jelly beans for dinner…. I guess. Only if you eat two bites of chicken first. That’s how we roll. Hey, they’ll have a vitamin too.

My house will always be neat and tidy – Fast forward a few years. Now, it looks like it barfed all over itself. Nothing is where it should be. I don’t even have enough places for all the crap we own.

I will never be rude and show up late – Now…I will never be on time. Ever. To anything…Ever again. Sigh…

Seriously, I have no idea what kind of delusional, unicorn land I was living in before I had children, but becoming a parent has certainly changed the way I view a lot of things. There is nothing quite like raising children that challenges your patience, attitude, and character. So, all you young, non-parents at the grocery store judging me and my kids…just you wait. There will come a day when it is your kid flopping around on the floor at Target screaming for candy or running around buck naked at Grandma’s birthday party. Just you wait.