Jan 9, 2017

Hazmat Mom

Do you mind being puked on, spit on, or peed on? Do you enjoy spending your days wiping noses, sticky fingers, and poopy butts? If you answered yes to any of these questions, being a mom might be the job for you. 

All the mommies out there will tell you… you encounter some pretty repulsive things while tackling this parenting thing, and most of them on a daily basis. Folks, raising kids is disgusting. Kids themselves are disgusting and they definitely have some questionable hygiene practices. Most adults (I said MOST) know how to deal with the body’s disgusting stuff in sanitary ways. Kids on the other hand, they are pretty helpless and don’t grasp the monumental grossness of what they are doing. That leaves mom to clean up the mess and try to teach them how not to be disgusting.

Motherhood is a serious business. I’ve heard that being a mom is the hardest and most important job of all…and after being a mom myself for the last 8 years, I would have to agree. Not only is raising a child into a respectable and kind human being difficult, at times, it is also pretty gross. As a mom, I’ve encountered feces, vomit, boogers, and spit more times than I can even count. I’ve seen things you could have never imagined pre-kids…and no matter how hard I try, I can’t unsee them. If I’m being honest, a hazmat suit would come in pretty handy sometimes.

Here are just a few of the hazardous jobs moms do:

Director of Regurgitation: How many times have you been puked on or spit up on? How much vomit have you cleaned up? Moms are regurgitation specialists, whether they like it or not. Not only will you clean up vomit and spit up, but there will also be oodles of spit out and chewed food, too.

Snot Stream Specialist:  Kids always seem have a stream of green snot running down their upper lip. It’s just a fact of life with kids.  It is mom’s job to eliminate this snot stream before it becomes a little warm snack for them. Just a heads up…watch out for the sneeze. Really. Watch out.

Fecal Matter Investigator: You will examine more poo that you ever thought. You will genuinely care about the color, consistency, frequency, and even smell of the poop and will have detailed conversations about it. Yes, you will talk about poop…with doctors, spouses, your kids, and even friends. AND…you will eventually touch it. Might be when cleaning out a massive blow out that reaches their hair, or perhaps you are fishing out floaters out of the bathtub, but poop will be in your hands.

Odor reduction Specialist: Kids smell. End of story. Mom gets to find the sources of all the smelly surprises and eliminate them before they become too pungent. Could be poop, could be sweat, could be rancid breath…use your imagination. Not only do we get to smell the children themselves, but then there is the rotten food, rancid milk found in a sippy cup in the car, or that small piece of chicken nugget found under the couch cushion.


Motherhood is a lot of things—some beautiful, some awful, and some really, really gross. We do this all without vacations, sick days, or raises. We are soldiers. We get this shit done. Literally.

17 comments:

  1. Oh Barrie, you are brilliant. Maybe we can get special hazmat suits in colors and styles, for occassions and such! So necessary. There is a lot of grossness out there! Oy...

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! Those kiddos are so gross.

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  2. You crack my shit up. Lmao.
    They are pretty disgusting creatures. They wake up to wreak havoc and smell like ass. It's like their calling or something.
    Thanks for the laugh, mama! We can do it!
    #TurnItUpTuesday

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    1. Glad I can make you laugh! Love it..."They wake up to wreak havoc and smell like ass". That is hilarious!

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  3. I remember those days. My two are 18 months apart. My son is 19 and still lives with me. Entering his room is like entering a hazmat zone. It still amazes me, how he can wash clothes, dry them and them dump them on the floor of his room with everything else. What is more amazing, is that we spent a better part of a day putting together a five drawer dresser that I bought for him at IKEA about six months ago. It sure looks pretty.

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    1. So...it never gets better then? Ugh. Thanks for stopping by!

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  4. You haven't lived life until you've picked ear wax out of your kid's ear in public and/or caught their vomit with your hands. We really should ask for a pay raise.

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  5. Girlllll....HIGH FIVE! I tell you the one that makes me gag every damn time. Snot. I don't know, but cleaning it on anyone other than me makes me gag. #BloggerClubUk

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  6. I'm a nurse and thought I had a pretty strong stomach until I had my two feral beings! I can deal with most things but puke just tips me over the edge! #stayclassymama

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  7. Yep, poop is a regular discussion. Is it happening often enough? Is the color normal? Is it too big? Is it too soft/hard? I never knew there was so much to discuss about poop until having kids!

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  8. This is hilarious and disgusting all at the same time - I love it!
    Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK :)
    Debbie

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  9. Your job titles make it sound so much more impressive! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

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  10. Do you think you could get me a hazmat in army green? I rock that colour and if i feel good then i can deal with Ben's projectile vomiting! at christmas i swore his father had let him watch the exorcist hahahahaha! #stayclassymama

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  11. I always think it's a major milestone when our kid finally learns to throw up in the sick bowl! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

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  12. Oh I am always getting called up to inspect my kids' poop. I am an expert on poop now. #FridayFrolics

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